Susan WonderStone's Blog

I don’t complain about a lot, but this was the worst Thanksgiving ever!  Keta wouldn’t get out of her crate.  She didn’t want to eat.  She wouldn’t drink. It wasn’t raining, rare for the Seattle area in November, but she still didn’t want to go outside to go potty.  She never liked being in the rain in the back yard, but would bolt to the front door to go for a walk, no matter what the weather was doing. I finally got her to eat by putting a couple sardines and fish juice in her food.  I’ve been putting stuff in her food for the last year, it can’t taste good, but she didn’t seem to mind.  She started limping and occasionally crying when she would move a certain way, almost 3 years ago.  I would put curcumin, which is an anti-inflammatory as well as a liver protectant, other herbs and veggies in her food.  It seemed to help.  About a year ago, I noticed her muscles weren’t as big or hard as they used to be.  She was only 7, so it shouldn’t be old age. There were times when it seemed to hurt so bad she wouldn’t put any weight on her front left leg.  She jumps off the 4 foot retaining wall in the back yard, so I just assumed she hurt it on one  of her adventures.  About 9 months ago, the lump on her leg became visible.  We pushed on it and moved her leg around.  It didn’t feel broken, but more like the tendons below it were tight and swollen.  I increased the curcumin, added flax seed oil and a few other things to her food.  It only took a few days for her to stop limping.  It would get worse when she would see a playmate at the dog park and take off running.  Most of the time she wouldn’t notice it until the next morning.  The lump continued to grow.  It was very hard.  She also had some softer lumps on different parts of her body.  I knew what it was.  Regardless of the fact that she’s a dog, not a person, I have a lot, probably way too much experience with cancer.  Cancer causes muscles to atrophy.  Osteosarcoma – bone cancer- is common in dogs.  I started giving her some of the same alternative cancer supplements I take.  As you may already know, my first cancer diagnosis was almost 11 years ago, spreading and becoming “terminal” almost 7 years ago.  We got Keta when she was 8 weeks old, 8 ½ years ago.  She started as a typical puppy, destroying things when I would least expect it.  She never really outgrew that, but at least she shifted to ripping up paper from the recycle bin instead of shredding anything important.  There were times I was so mean to her, yelling and screaming, sometimes even hitting her.  Afterward, I would be so upset with myself, not understanding why I flipped out the way I did.  She would always come to me after, pushing my hand to get me to pet her.  She was so quick to forgive, almost taking responsibility and apologizing to me. She didn’t make me act like that.  It was not like me.  At the time, I had no idea how bad the cancer was in my own body, nor did I understand how it was affecting my thought processes.  She was there for me through all the bad stuff.   She listened.  Aside from the 10 days I was gone for the “Ocean of Gratitude” cruise, and the 10 weeks I was in various hospitals, we were together every day.  I told her how I felt, even though I think she already knew.  She listened when I was upset about having cancer.  She ran and hid during screaming matches I had with my ex, usually about finances.  She was there to listen to me when he decided the cancer was too much for him to deal with and moved out of state.   She was there for all my tears, for all my anger and for every emotion in between.  She was there with me every time the cancer came back. Every night when it was time to go to bed, she came upstairs with me.  I gave her a cookie and she laid down on the dog bed in my room.  Once Cameron started sleeping here, he would tell me she would leave my room and come to wherever he was as soon as I went to sleep.  I never heard her leave.  She stayed with me, as if wanting me to feel safe. Having her in my room, hearing her breathe and sometimes snore, helped me to not feel so alone.  There were several years I was so sick I left the front door unlocked in case I needed someone to get in to help me.  I was so tired I needed a nap every 2-3 hours.  She always stayed in my room with me.  I think she was the only one who really knew how sick I was.  When the creditors were harassing me, I would take her out the back door, through the neighbors yard and to the woods.  We would walk for a couple hours and come home the same way.  We both loved our walks in the woods.  About a year ago, Cameron thought he was lost in Japanese Gulch.  He told Keta to go home and followed her out.  She understood so much.  Whenever we would ask her a yes/no question, if the answer was no, she would just stand there and look at us.  If the answer was yes, she would jump and spin around in a circle with excitement in her face.  She smiled a lot!  She was happy most of the time.

About 3 months ago, a friend and I got into an argument that lasted a couple days.  He was upset with me for not taking Keta to the vet to find out what the lump was on her leg.  I knew what it was.  I told him, I wouldn’t put her through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery or even a biopsy.  Aside from insulin potentiation therapy, I won’t do any of those things for myself, so why would I do it to my dog? He didn’t understand my position and wasn’t going to let it go.  I promised that if the lump got worse, I would take her to  a vet in 2 weeks.  It grew.  I got a number from my naturopath, since I had never taken Keta to a vet.  I called and made an appointment the last day of my 2 week promise.  The vet I took her to, agreed with my “non-expert” diagnosis.  Bone cancer.  They took x-rays of her leg and her chest, since bone cancer typically spreads to the lungs.  They were amazed my happy dog trotting around the office was the same animal the x-rays were from.  The vet told me to keep doing whatever I was doing, because she shouldn’t be walking as bad as the tumor was.  The baseball sized tumor had become the support in her leg.  The bone had been destroyed.  $400 later, I was going home with a confirmed diagnosis of osteosarcoma.  Exactly what I thought it was, but now she had an expiration date.  I’m still alive over 6 years after the expiration date the doctor gave me, so why can’t she beat hers?  I had a friend tell me “she’s taking on your cancer”.  5 words.  I’m sure he meant it as being supportive, wanting me to know how much my dog loves me, but I don’t want anyone taking on something negative from me, especially cancer, even though I don’t want it anymore.  I felt responsible for her being sick.  We decided to get her a friend.  2 days later, we brought Buddy home from PAWS.  He had lived for 6 weeks in the shelter.  He was scared.  Keta helped him fit in here.  They loved each other instantly.  Keta loved having another dog here.  Often times, I would come into the room and Buddy would be in Keta’s crate or on her bed and she would be close-by.  She was fine with sharing her stuff.  Both very sweet dogs.  After the vet appointment, we were especially careful with Keta’s leg, not letting her jump out of the truck, not letting her run across the soccer field…  We knew if she broke her leg we would have to put her down.  The $3,000 option of amputating her leg didn’t make any sense since the cancer had already metastasized.  Horrible quality of life for an 8year old 102 pound dog. They still body slammed each other and played chase in the back yard, but better for her to be having fun.

Back to Thanksgiving day.  Keta wouldn’t get out of her box.  She hadn’t been putting weight on her leg for a few days.  I knew she was hurting, but didn’t know how bad.  When it was time to go to bed, I went to give her a cookie.  I told her to come on, it was time to go to bed.  She didn’t move.  She was telling me no.  I got down on the floor and handed it to her.  She barely took it from me and dropped it.  She just looked at me.  Laying on the floor in front of her crate, I told her “You’re going to have to tell me when you want to be done”.  She gave me “the look”.  Bonnie gave me the same look just before she died.  I started to cry.  Her job here was done. I didn’t want to feel like I was giving up on her.  No matter how bad I got, I never gave up on myself.  I went upstairs, Buddy followed me and laid down on Keta’s bed in my room.  He knew too.  I slept for a few hours, then went downstairs with my pillow and blanket.  I laid down in front of Keta’s box.  She was awake.  She had her head up as if in howling position and whined with every breath.  She was having trouble breathing, another indication the cancer was in her lungs.  I reached in and touched her right foot.  She pulled it away.  I touched the top of her head, she pulled away again, as if saying “don’t touch me”.  I cried more.  She squished herself in the back of the crate, getting as far away from me as she could.  I tried to sleep, but just laid there and cried. A friend called around 7 and stayed on the phone for about 20 minutes while I cried.  I don’t know how much he understood.  I told him she was ready to go and I was going to make the appointment.  He wanted me to make sure I felt I was making the right decision.  At that point, I knew it was the right thing to do.  I had to cancel the first appointment because Cameron wasn’t up yet to help me put her in the car.  I needed him to agree that it was the right thing to do.  I wanted to make sure he didn’t feel like I was killing our good girl.  I had another appointment for late afternoon.  Keta still wouldn’t get up.  No food or water and hadn’t gone potty for about 36 hours.  Cameron got his shoes on and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk.  She bolted to the front door and spun around at least 3 times.  She wasn’t even limping.  I got my shoes and coat and the 4 of us went for what would be our last walk together.  She drank out of every puddle she could find.  She pee’d on everything she could. She led the way, no limping or difficulty breathing.  Now what?  When we got home, she must have drank a quart of water.  I gave her double the amount of food I usually feed her without all the supplements.  She finished in 30 seconds.  I asked her if she was still hungry and she spun around in another circle.  I gave her another cup of food.  I was so confused!  Is it the right time or not?  Cameron asked if he should take her for another walk in the woods.  I told him to take her if she wants to.  More running to the door and spinning.  I told him to let her lead the way.  They were gone a little over an hour.  She ran on the trail, marking along the way and howled in tune with the sirens in the distance.  I know “the look”.  She told me she was ready to go, but was now acting like nothing was wrong.  She wasn’t going to get better, according to the vet.  The tumor was now the size of a softball.  It was so big and tight, it looked like the skin was about to rupture. Should we wait until she was pooping and peeing on herself?  Should we wait until every breath hurt?  Were we waiting because she wanted to be here?  So many questions.  How do you know when it’s the right time to let go?  We’re told it’s the humane thing to do.  Taking the responsibility for someone’s time of death isn’t something I want to do.  I can’t do it for myself – legally.  Whether she was “living it up” on her last day, or not, we’ll never know.  She loved her walks, her food, her water on Friday.  When we took her to the vet, one she had never been to, she tried to jump out of the truck to go in.  She got up on the scale and sat, just like the assistant asked her to do.  Cameron and I were crying.  She had her signature smile on her face.  We went into the room, where a blanket had been set up on the floor.  We cried some more, thanking her for being a great dog.  We thanked her for specific things she had done and for all the things she had done for us.  When we decided we were ready, Cameron left the room to get the vet and assistant.  When they came in, Keta laid down.  It was as if she knew exactly what was going on.  The vet is also a neighbor who’s son is two years older than Cameron.  She didn’t know it was us in the room.  I don’t know if it was because she knows us, but she cried too.  They left as we said our last good-byes.  After about 15 minutes, I told Cameron we needed to leave before she took a big dump.  He leaned over to look and said “she’s already crowning”.  We laughed, he put her top lip over her teeth so it looked like she was smiling.  She was a great dog!  The vet assistants hugged us both before we left.  They were so supportive.  We loved Keta so much!  I’m still crying as I write this.  I know it gets easier.  I just hope if my friend was right and she was taking on my cancer…I hope she took it all!  We love you Keta and will miss you tons!  Until we meet at the rainbow bridge…have fun! Find Bonnie.  She’ll introduce you to Clyde and Talon.

Love, gratitude and blessings to you all,

Susan