Howdy all! I’ve started a new website. It’s still really under construction, but will have more information on the treatments I’ve done that have kept me on the planet. Today I posted the directions for Black Salve. Yesterday was another post about the main ingredient in Black Salve, Sanguinaria Canadensis also known as Bloodroot.
www.melanomamaverick.com
I’ll keep posting here too. I love you all!
Love, gratitude and blessings
~Susan
How can someone say they love someone and hit them? Last night I got a friend request and one of the things we both “like” is the book “The Art of Racing in The Rain”. Last year, a coworker said she thought I’d like it…she said the dog tells the story about his owner, who is a race car driver. From my perspective, the dog tells the story about a race car driver, but it’s really about a woman who dies of cancer and a man who gets screwed in the court system by a family member who has more money than he does.
Anyway, there are times when she flips out. Then she cries, not understanding why she did it. I did that way more than anyone should – back when the cancer was taking over, but I didn’t know it yet. My anger was usually directed at my dog, then I would cry and lay on the floor with her as she would lick the tears and snot off my face. She was so forgiving.
I didn’t know that anger issues could be related to the liver. The terminal diagnosis made the anger worse, but at that point, I understood. I took out a few bushes and trees in my yard with an ax. I went to the gym for intense workouts when I felt the anger and frustration brewing. Aside from that, I began detoxing my body. Angry, screaming Susan wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Everything we put in or on our bodies has to be processed by our livers. If the filter is dirty, it can’t do its job. Unlike changing the air filter in the car or furnace, we have to clean ours without taking it out.
How do you clean a filter without taking it out? I would love for it to be magic and simply change a thought and have it cleaned, but it didn’t work like that for me. It has been a long, but simple process. I have found Gerson Coffee enemas to be the most effective at flushing stuff out of the liver. Stuff, it’s a technical term… The Gerson clinic recommends their patients do 3 a day for 5 years. See, told you it’s a long process. Most people die when cancer is residing in their liver. I wasn’t interested in that yet. I’ve never done 3/day, but I am in my 5th year of at least 1, 5 days a week. My demeanor is very different than it was 5 years ago.
Aside from flushing the stuff out, everything we breathe, eat, drink, inject (flu shots, vaccines…any drugs), put on our skin (our skin absorbs more stuff, that’s why nicotine and birth control patches work) has to be processed by the liver.
At home, I have air filters, shower filters – in a 10 minute shower, your skin absorbs chlorine equivalent to drinking 6-8 glasses of chlorinated water, and your lungs absorb up to 100 times that in the form of chlorine gas if the shower is as hot as I like it. $40/year for a shower filter is worth it to me.
If I can’t eat something, I don’t put it on my skin. I use organic coconut oil for moisturizing my skin. It feels great and it tastes great too, but that’s a different subject.
I eat mostly raw organic foods but some cooked foods.
There are always going to be things I can’t control. I don’t worry about those things. I do however, concern myself with the things I can control. Everything I eat or drink is a simple decision. It’s always my choice…except when I was passed out from low blood sugar and had sugar injected into me. But aside from that, most of our choices are ours to make.
How powerful to know that each decision, or lack of, is mine to choose. I get to decide every waking moment if I want to make my life better…or not.
The quality of what we put out is determined by the quality of what we put in.
Love, gratitude and blessings,
Susan
Filed under: cancer
Last week when a few cancer things showed up, I couldn’t figure out why. I’m always wanting to know “why” so I can eliminate whatever the cause is. I couldn’t figure out what it could be. I didn’t remember anything stressful happening. Just now, when I opened my blog to post about Seafair, my last post showed up. Not stressful? The only other person I knew who was alive 5 years after recurrent metastatic melanoma diagnosis had died. I think that was enough to stress me out a little.
Love, gratitude and blessings
Susan
Filed under: cancer
I’m so glad I didn’t have email on my phone this weekend. Everything for a reason, right? A body floating in the river, fatality car accidents, suicides, overdoses…I deal with people dying nearly every day I work. Rarely does it bother me. Death is a part of life. Losing someone I know is different. I’ve lost count of the friends I’ve lost to cancer. Tonight after an amazing sunset walk to the beach with my amazing kid and 2 fur kids, I decided to relax and check emails. The relaxing quickly came to a screeching halt.
I met Chris Bonneau at the Hospital Santa Monica in Rosarito, Baja, Mexico in August 2006. Aside from myself, he was the only person I knew who was alive with metastatic melanoma. I have become instant friends with most of the other patients I’ve met when I’m at the hospital in Mexico. We’re there for the same reason…using mostly alternative treatments in an attempt to beat the “terminal” cancers we’ve been told at home -nothing could be done for. Chris was even more special. We were fighting the same cancer. We made an agreement that we were going to beat it. I came back to Washington. He went home to Calgary, Alberta. We stayed in contact sending funny emails for a while, then updated each other through personal emails a few times a year. Chris loved motocross. It was inspiring to hear him talk about it. Chris has been my main inspiration. I thought if he could do it, I could do it.
So many times, unless we know someone else has done something, we have a tendency to believe it’s not possible. You’ve heard me say before, 99.6% of recurrent metastatic melanoma patients are dead within a year. Chris was still alive, so I decided to follow his statistics rather than that of the medical community. I assumed he had gotten busy with teaching/riding motocross as I’ve gotten busy with my job and my adventures. I haven’t talked to him in a while.
Tonight, I opened an email from his wife Anne. Chris lost his fight last week. I started yelling and swearing as soon as I saw the subject line. The difficulty breathing and swallowing from crying started a few seconds later. My eyes are so swollen I’m having a hard time typing this. Anne is probably doing the same thing right now. I wish we could cry together, even though I’ve never met her. I know she will miss him dearly. He was an amazing man. He fought hard.
I have people tell me all the time “you’re so strong”. Most people have no idea how hard this ride has been. I show the world my happy face. I continue to get in the hyperbaric chamber 5 hours a week, 2 Gerson coffee enemas 4-6 days a week, saunas, ozonated water, hot/cold showers, full body vibration, massage, green smoothies and veggie juices…my kitchen counter is covered with supplements… I exercise daily and eat a mostly raw diet. I’m sure there are things I’ve forgotten, because they’re just part of my life. Oil pulling, kombucha, foot zone, chiropractic, physical therapy, Nikken magnetic mattress, water filters on showers and drinking water. See. I’ll remember more later too. The things I do that some people see as a luxury, are necessary for my survival.
I don’t know what’s upsetting me the most about Chris’s death. I know he’s no longer suffering. I’m scared. I just made a comment yesterday on facebook that the amount of cancer I’m dealing with now would freak most people out, but it’s minuscule to what it was. Anne made a similar comment about how they felt when Chris found out he had another tumor in his brain. Got past it before, I’ll do it again. I thought Chris and I would go to each others 100th birthday parties.
To say I’m not afraid would be reckless. Fear can be a healthy thing. We inherently know to be afraid of gravity when we’re high above the ground. Looking that fear in the face and jumping out of a plane is exhilarating though! Knowing the potential power of the cancer keeps me diligently doing my treatments. I also greatly benefit because the treatments I do make me feel great too. I’m actually healthier because of the fear I have of the cancer.
Thank you Chris for being my inspiration. Thank you for allowing me to believe that since you were doing it, I could too. Thank you for following your dreams and doing what you loved to do for work. Thank you for being a great husband and father to your family.
I’ll carry on. I’ll be the melanoma maverick. The lone dissenter, proving the medical statistics wrong, making my own. I am strong.
Love, gratitude and blessings!
Susan
Anne is having the celebration of Chris’s life at Blackfoot Park, the only off road motocross park near Calgary. I know he will be there! I love you Chris, you will be greatly missed by many!
I took a few hours off work today to attend an “All About Hope” event. www.allabouthope.us
Several things happened today that I allowed to get me in a bad place. 5 hours ago, it mattered. Now, it doesn’t matter enough to write about it. A good reminder for next time I start to get worked up about something. I took longer than I needed to getting ready, because I knew I was in such a bad place I was going to create more of the same if I left as angry as I was. Traffic sucked. I seemed to be going through a laundry list of things in my head, along with the same list of various emotions. My favorite spot southbound on I-5 is an amazing view of Mt. Rainier…when it’s clear. I remember it, so even though I couldn’t see it, thought about the many hikes I’ve done there, the water, waterfalls, glaciers, smells, peacefulness and of course the marmots. Lots of memories that brought smiles to my face. Next came exit 167. The lump in my throat, tears welling up in my eyes. Remembering my first appointment at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I was early for my appointment. I parked the car and lost it. I cried, I yelled and cried some more. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to admit to anyone else that I had cancer. Walking through the doors was a reality I didn’t want. I had gone several years doing alternative treatments and didn’t want to be associated with the medical stuff. That’s a technical term, by the way.
Just as I started to cry, I saw the pigeons. Subsequent visits to SCCA, I always hoped for backed up traffic on the off ramp. Almost every time, there would be pigeons standing on the concrete supports for the bridge. It seemed random, but they would one by one, walk off the edge, dropping quickly. I would lose sight of them. I assumed they flew somewhere, but from my angle, it looked like they were just stepping off the ledge…and falling to their deaths below. Morbid maybe, but cancer sometimes twists things. It looked fun. I’ve often thought about fun ways to die, cancer isn’t one of them…Not to alarm anyone, I’m not planning on going anywhere, anytime soon, just telling it like it is. Maybe the pigeons sparked my interest in skydiving. Maybe base jumping is in my future. I love the video of the people flying wingsuits. The pigeons got me out of my funk. I was smiling again. Driving across the I-90 floating bridge got me thinking about my next kayaking adventure. Again, still smiling. I was late to the event, but not too late. I had a great time with old friends and people I just met tonight. My story seems to inspire healthy people, and many seem to know someone they want me to talk to.
All About Hope is like “Make a Wish” for adults with terminal cancer. They helped me with paperwork. By the way, preparing a Living Will, a Durable Power of Attorney and a Will, have got to be easier to do when you think you’re healthy. Filling out the papers when you have a terminal diagnosis was extremely emotional for me. It made my expiration date seem real. It really made me think about the people I was giving responsibility to when making decisions about what I really want. I hope everyone reading this will take care of it before they have to! Anyway…back to All About Hope…They helped me put a roof on my house last year. I am forever grateful! Daily, I say “thank you for my roof!” Usually I’m by myself when I say it, but regardless, I’m thankful! They are always ready to grant another bucket list wish. Donations can be made on their website. I have a hard time donating to “pink” stuff. As the cancer patient, I’ve never seen the benefits. The big cancer “charity” took me off their mailing list when I had a naturopath speak at one of their events. All About Hope is hands on. I have formed friendships with all of them. They care.
Thank you Amanda and all of your crew! I am forever grateful! I love you!
Love, gratitude and blessings,
Susan~
It’s not fair!! Several years ago, I had a friend who’s husband was going through traditional cancer treatment of chemo and radiation. I don’t know if he had surgery too, our conversation didn’t go far enough. I don’t know if he’s still alive or not. I’m guessing he is and that his treatment worked for him. As you may know, I opted out of chemo and radiation when I learned that 99.6% of the people who did it (for recurrent metastatic melanoma) were dead within a year anyway. I chose to use nutrition and alternative treatments to “fight my battle”. As a result, as I’ve been dealing with “terminal” cancer, I continue to look and be healthier and healthier. Most of my friends faded out of my life as I researched, took action and continued to improve. I saw my friend who knew what I was dealing with, but hadn’t seen me for a long time. She immediately said “It’s not fair!!” I asked “what’s not fair?” She said “It’s not fair that you aren’t miserable and haven’t lost your hair, like my husband.” That was the end of the conversation. She stormed off. I was upset at first. Why did she want me to be miserable? Why would she want me to lose my hair? I can only assume since I’ve never talked to her since, that it was more that she was upset about what was happening to him as opposed to wanting me to be on his path. I also realized that the other friends probably faded off for the same reasons, but didn’t say anything. We’ve all probably lost friends or family to cancer and wish they were still here. As I write, many other situations pop into my head. The countless moms who saw my decisions as a “guaranteed death sentence” telling me I was going to leave Cameron without a mom. One in particular who’s own mom shortly after was diagnosed with breast cancer, went through traditional treatments and died 2 years later. I see her around town. She continues -to this day, to turn her head, refusing to acknowledge I’m still here.
In general, whether it’s a new relationship, a great job, health, money, whatever, if people can’t see how they benefit, they don’t want us to be more successful than they are. The bonus is, we meet new people. I’ve gained friends who are more suited to me now than the ones I lost. I’m grateful for them all!
Love, gratitude and blessings
Susan Story
Filed under: alternative treatments, bodybuilding, cancer, coaching, colon cleansing, health, Hyperbaric Chamber, Inspiration, nutrition, sport specific training
I especially like the tan!
Many people make decisions at the beginning of a year to make changes in their lives. These changes are meant to improve their lives in some way. They want to lose weight, get in better shape, quit things like smoking or abusing alcohol, improve their finances, relationships, living situations (mine is eliminate clutter)…The lists are endless. My big question is always “Why”? Why do you want – whatever it is you want? What are you willing to give up for it? Is your “why” big enough to “deprive” yourself of the other?
Why are you thinking you are depriving yourself of something if eliminating it will make your life better? If you keep doing it, aren’t you depriving yourself of a better life?
Change is hard for most people. If it’s something you want bad enough, it’s a lot easier. The more specific it is, the easier it is. I’ve been told many times I have an “all or nothing” attitude. When it’s something really important to me, I do. Regarding the cancer: 7 years ago, medical treatment offered me less than 1% of hope for surviving a year. I had to rely on alternative sources of information in order to help myself to get well. All the information in the world, won’t help if I don’t get off my butt and implement it. I was going to say I have had more discipline for getting rid of the cancer than I’ve ever had, but that’s not exactly true. When I set a goal to compete in a bodybuilding competition, I do everything I know to do to prepare for the competition. My diet used to be exactly what my trainer told me to do, now it is exactly what I’ve learned to do based on past experience with my body and what I’ve learned from other sources. The competition gives me a date I have to accomplish my goal by. I know I don’t get an extra week. Once my diet, workouts, cardio and sleep schedule start, I know that regardless of the judges decisions, I’ve done my best. If I skip cardio, or “just onecookie” and I don’t do well at the show, I know I have no one to blame but me. If I don’t make the goal to compete, to get up on stage wearing an outfit that’s 6 inches at its widest point, I have no reason to push myself to that extent. Don’t misunderstand, my diet is probably cleaner than that of most competitors “pre-contest diet”, but immaculate when I’m “pre-contest”. I know that every time I compete, my body looks better after the show than it did before I started the process. I know that my confidence is improved, every time I get off the stage. I think I’m talking myself into something here. The goal is only the beginning. The end result – stage pictures – keeps me focused. I know I have to stay focused on my own, because few of my friends are going to call and say “what time are you going to the gym? I’ll meet you for an hour on the stair climber”. My kid probably isn’t going to say “no, mom, lets have raw eggs or a salad in the blender instead of pizza”. Being around people who aren’t supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish could blow my efforts. If I didn’t have the discipline I do, because my “why” is so important, my competition goal would be a lot more difficult.
Yes, my competing goal takes up a lot of time, which is why I haven’t made that decision yet. At this point, I have 20 minutes on the Body Vibe, an hour in hyperbaric chamber, an hour for Gerson coffee, oil pulling, dry brushing, hot/cold shower, food prep and getting myself ready all before work. After work, I fit in my workout, another hot/cold shower and 30-60 minutes in the sauna. I feel great and have no evidence of cancer, but since it’s only been a short time since the last tumor, still need to do it all.
I would love to get rid of the clutter in my house! I don’t know where to start. Maybe there’s someone out there wanting to lose weight. You can help me de-clutter and I’ll call you and say “meet me at the gym for an hour on the step mill”!
Make your why big enough and get up and make it happen!
Love, gratitude and blessings to you all
Susan Wonder Stone
It’s been 2 weeks since Keta’s been gone. We all miss her! The day after she died, Cameron called me at work. He knows I can’t talk unless I’m on a break, so I was a little stressed when he didn’t leave a message to say what he wanted. He didn’t answer when I called him back…
I didn’t write about it, but a couple months ago, my supervisor came over to tell me my son had called 911 and the fire was spreading from the microwave. All I could say was “we don’t have a microwave!” She wasn’t going to let me drive home until she felt I was safe to drive. I was a basket case, so driving was out of the question for quite some time! We didn’t know how bad the fire was and Cameron wasn’t answering our home phone or his cell. It turned out the cheese on his nachos had caught the toaster oven on fire. Our neighbor had the fire out before the fire department got there. The ceiling was torched and the cabinets were coated with a pretty shade of black. The toaster oven found a new home at the dump, but everyone was safe. Cameron did a great job, getting both dogs outside, calling for help, then going outside to wait. Dean was looking around, trying to figure out where the alarm was coming from when Cameron asked him to help. I’m so proud of Cameron, thinking fast, telling the 911 operator all the information she asked for (and asking her to let my supervisor know what was going on) asking Dean for help and not freaking out! And SO Thankful for Dean for helping! I’m thankful for all my neighbors. Where was I going??? Oh yeah.
…The day after she died…Cameron and Buddy were at home while I was at work. Cameron was not cooking. Out of the blue, for no apparent reason, the smoke alarms went off. He said they went off for about 10 seconds, then stopped. About a minute later they did it again. He wasn’t scared. He knew it was Keta, telling him she was still there. He told me about it when I came home. The following day, we were all in the kitchen. I was cooking, but not burning anything. There was no steam. Again, no reason for the alarms to go off. But…they did. We have 2 upstairs and one downstairs. All 3 alarms were sounding. Same as usual, they screeched for 10- 15 seconds. It was loud, but we laughed. We acknowledged Keta, told her we loved her and again, thanked her for her time with us. It’s our own sign from “the other side”. It happens when someone close dies. Sometimes the day of, sometimes later, sometimes the day before or after I get the email or phone call. Every time our smoke alarms go off for no reason, I always get the information. It used to be scary, but with so many friends in the cancer world, has become part of our lives. It’s something that reminds us we don’t have all the answers to some of our deepest questions.
On the lighter side…
Buddy has taken over hanging out in my room for a few minutes when I go to bed. Not like Keta, who would wait until I fell asleep. I guess she forgot to tell him to stay until my breathing changes. It’s all good though, it makes me smile and sometimes laugh when he gets up and goes to his bed in the hallway, shortly after I turn off the salt lamps. He’s been going places in the car with me on my days off. He sits in the back and watches for me to come back. Yesterday while waiting for a light to change, I accidentally turned on the back wiper. His ears perked up as he watched it slide across the window then back again. I watched in the rear-view mirror and laughed as his head twisted and turned. He jumped when the car behind us honked the horn. I can always count on the person behind me to bring the green light to my attention. Buddy is the first “non rottweiler” I’ve had. Maybe it’s just him, but I’ve never had this much food on the floor at my house. He won’t eat the food he spills out of his bowl. He begs for what I’m eating, then drops it on the floor for me or someone else to step on. He won’t even eat popcorn or the goldfish crackers Keta would do any trick for. He’s the most gentle dog I’ve ever had. Wrestling and tug o war are not his things. Something I’m going to have to get used to. His personality is different than the others, but he’s a great dog. He’s a great companion. And he can look really scary when a stranger comes to the door. Thank you Buddy for being my friend, my protector and adding a new dimension to our family.
Love, gratitude and Blessings
Susan
Filed under: alternative treatments, anti-inflammatory, cancer, Inspiration, Uncategorized
I don’t complain about a lot, but this was the worst Thanksgiving ever! Keta wouldn’t get out of her crate. She didn’t want to eat. She wouldn’t drink. It wasn’t raining, rare for the Seattle area in November, but she still didn’t want to go outside to go potty. She never liked being in the rain in the back yard, but would bolt to the front door to go for a walk, no matter what the weather was doing. I finally got her to eat by putting a couple sardines and fish juice in her food. I’ve been putting stuff in her food for the last year, it can’t taste good, but she didn’t seem to mind. She started limping and occasionally crying when she would move a certain way, almost 3 years ago. I would put curcumin, which is an anti-inflammatory as well as a liver protectant, other herbs and veggies in her food. It seemed to help. About a year ago, I noticed her muscles weren’t as big or hard as they used to be. She was only 7, so it shouldn’t be old age. There were times when it seemed to hurt so bad she wouldn’t put any weight on her front left leg. She jumps off the 4 foot retaining wall in the back yard, so I just assumed she hurt it on one of her adventures. About 9 months ago, the lump on her leg became visible. We pushed on it and moved her leg around. It didn’t feel broken, but more like the tendons below it were tight and swollen. I increased the curcumin, added flax seed oil and a few other things to her food. It only took a few days for her to stop limping. It would get worse when she would see a playmate at the dog park and take off running. Most of the time she wouldn’t notice it until the next morning. The lump continued to grow. It was very hard. She also had some softer lumps on different parts of her body. I knew what it was. Regardless of the fact that she’s a dog, not a person, I have a lot, probably way too much experience with cancer. Cancer causes muscles to atrophy. Osteosarcoma – bone cancer- is common in dogs. I started giving her some of the same alternative cancer supplements I take. As you may already know, my first cancer diagnosis was almost 11 years ago, spreading and becoming “terminal” almost 7 years ago. We got Keta when she was 8 weeks old, 8 ½ years ago. She started as a typical puppy, destroying things when I would least expect it. She never really outgrew that, but at least she shifted to ripping up paper from the recycle bin instead of shredding anything important. There were times I was so mean to her, yelling and screaming, sometimes even hitting her. Afterward, I would be so upset with myself, not understanding why I flipped out the way I did. She would always come to me after, pushing my hand to get me to pet her. She was so quick to forgive, almost taking responsibility and apologizing to me. She didn’t make me act like that. It was not like me. At the time, I had no idea how bad the cancer was in my own body, nor did I understand how it was affecting my thought processes. She was there for me through all the bad stuff. She listened. Aside from the 10 days I was gone for the “Ocean of Gratitude” cruise, and the 10 weeks I was in various hospitals, we were together every day. I told her how I felt, even though I think she already knew. She listened when I was upset about having cancer. She ran and hid during screaming matches I had with my ex, usually about finances. She was there to listen to me when he decided the cancer was too much for him to deal with and moved out of state. She was there for all my tears, for all my anger and for every emotion in between. She was there with me every time the cancer came back. Every night when it was time to go to bed, she came upstairs with me. I gave her a cookie and she laid down on the dog bed in my room. Once Cameron started sleeping here, he would tell me she would leave my room and come to wherever he was as soon as I went to sleep. I never heard her leave. She stayed with me, as if wanting me to feel safe. Having her in my room, hearing her breathe and sometimes snore, helped me to not feel so alone. There were several years I was so sick I left the front door unlocked in case I needed someone to get in to help me. I was so tired I needed a nap every 2-3 hours. She always stayed in my room with me. I think she was the only one who really knew how sick I was. When the creditors were harassing me, I would take her out the back door, through the neighbors yard and to the woods. We would walk for a couple hours and come home the same way. We both loved our walks in the woods. About a year ago, Cameron thought he was lost in Japanese Gulch. He told Keta to go home and followed her out. She understood so much. Whenever we would ask her a yes/no question, if the answer was no, she would just stand there and look at us. If the answer was yes, she would jump and spin around in a circle with excitement in her face. She smiled a lot! She was happy most of the time.
About 3 months ago, a friend and I got into an argument that lasted a couple days. He was upset with me for not taking Keta to the vet to find out what the lump was on her leg. I knew what it was. I told him, I wouldn’t put her through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery or even a biopsy. Aside from insulin potentiation therapy, I won’t do any of those things for myself, so why would I do it to my dog? He didn’t understand my position and wasn’t going to let it go. I promised that if the lump got worse, I would take her to a vet in 2 weeks. It grew. I got a number from my naturopath, since I had never taken Keta to a vet. I called and made an appointment the last day of my 2 week promise. The vet I took her to, agreed with my “non-expert” diagnosis. Bone cancer. They took x-rays of her leg and her chest, since bone cancer typically spreads to the lungs. They were amazed my happy dog trotting around the office was the same animal the x-rays were from. The vet told me to keep doing whatever I was doing, because she shouldn’t be walking as bad as the tumor was. The baseball sized tumor had become the support in her leg. The bone had been destroyed. $400 later, I was going home with a confirmed diagnosis of osteosarcoma. Exactly what I thought it was, but now she had an expiration date. I’m still alive over 6 years after the expiration date the doctor gave me, so why can’t she beat hers? I had a friend tell me “she’s taking on your cancer”. 5 words. I’m sure he meant it as being supportive, wanting me to know how much my dog loves me, but I don’t want anyone taking on something negative from me, especially cancer, even though I don’t want it anymore. I felt responsible for her being sick. We decided to get her a friend. 2 days later, we brought Buddy home from PAWS. He had lived for 6 weeks in the shelter. He was scared. Keta helped him fit in here. They loved each other instantly. Keta loved having another dog here. Often times, I would come into the room and Buddy would be in Keta’s crate or on her bed and she would be close-by. She was fine with sharing her stuff. Both very sweet dogs. After the vet appointment, we were especially careful with Keta’s leg, not letting her jump out of the truck, not letting her run across the soccer field… We knew if she broke her leg we would have to put her down. The $3,000 option of amputating her leg didn’t make any sense since the cancer had already metastasized. Horrible quality of life for an 8year old 102 pound dog. They still body slammed each other and played chase in the back yard, but better for her to be having fun.
Back to Thanksgiving day. Keta wouldn’t get out of her box. She hadn’t been putting weight on her leg for a few days. I knew she was hurting, but didn’t know how bad. When it was time to go to bed, I went to give her a cookie. I told her to come on, it was time to go to bed. She didn’t move. She was telling me no. I got down on the floor and handed it to her. She barely took it from me and dropped it. She just looked at me. Laying on the floor in front of her crate, I told her “You’re going to have to tell me when you want to be done”. She gave me “the look”. Bonnie gave me the same look just before she died. I started to cry. Her job here was done. I didn’t want to feel like I was giving up on her. No matter how bad I got, I never gave up on myself. I went upstairs, Buddy followed me and laid down on Keta’s bed in my room. He knew too. I slept for a few hours, then went downstairs with my pillow and blanket. I laid down in front of Keta’s box. She was awake. She had her head up as if in howling position and whined with every breath. She was having trouble breathing, another indication the cancer was in her lungs. I reached in and touched her right foot. She pulled it away. I touched the top of her head, she pulled away again, as if saying “don’t touch me”. I cried more. She squished herself in the back of the crate, getting as far away from me as she could. I tried to sleep, but just laid there and cried. A friend called around 7 and stayed on the phone for about 20 minutes while I cried. I don’t know how much he understood. I told him she was ready to go and I was going to make the appointment. He wanted me to make sure I felt I was making the right decision. At that point, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to cancel the first appointment because Cameron wasn’t up yet to help me put her in the car. I needed him to agree that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to make sure he didn’t feel like I was killing our good girl. I had another appointment for late afternoon. Keta still wouldn’t get up. No food or water and hadn’t gone potty for about 36 hours. Cameron got his shoes on and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She bolted to the front door and spun around at least 3 times. She wasn’t even limping. I got my shoes and coat and the 4 of us went for what would be our last walk together. She drank out of every puddle she could find. She pee’d on everything she could. She led the way, no limping or difficulty breathing. Now what? When we got home, she must have drank a quart of water. I gave her double the amount of food I usually feed her without all the supplements. She finished in 30 seconds. I asked her if she was still hungry and she spun around in another circle. I gave her another cup of food. I was so confused! Is it the right time or not? Cameron asked if he should take her for another walk in the woods. I told him to take her if she wants to. More running to the door and spinning. I told him to let her lead the way. They were gone a little over an hour. She ran on the trail, marking along the way and howled in tune with the sirens in the distance. I know “the look”. She told me she was ready to go, but was now acting like nothing was wrong. She wasn’t going to get better, according to the vet. The tumor was now the size of a softball. It was so big and tight, it looked like the skin was about to rupture. Should we wait until she was pooping and peeing on herself? Should we wait until every breath hurt? Were we waiting because she wanted to be here? So many questions. How do you know when it’s the right time to let go? We’re told it’s the humane thing to do. Taking the responsibility for someone’s time of death isn’t something I want to do. I can’t do it for myself – legally. Whether she was “living it up” on her last day, or not, we’ll never know. She loved her walks, her food, her water on Friday. When we took her to the vet, one she had never been to, she tried to jump out of the truck to go in. She got up on the scale and sat, just like the assistant asked her to do. Cameron and I were crying. She had her signature smile on her face. We went into the room, where a blanket had been set up on the floor. We cried some more, thanking her for being a great dog. We thanked her for specific things she had done and for all the things she had done for us. When we decided we were ready, Cameron left the room to get the vet and assistant. When they came in, Keta laid down. It was as if she knew exactly what was going on. The vet is also a neighbor who’s son is two years older than Cameron. She didn’t know it was us in the room. I don’t know if it was because she knows us, but she cried too. They left as we said our last good-byes. After about 15 minutes, I told Cameron we needed to leave before she took a big dump. He leaned over to look and said “she’s already crowning”. We laughed, he put her top lip over her teeth so it looked like she was smiling. She was a great dog! The vet assistants hugged us both before we left. They were so supportive. We loved Keta so much! I’m still crying as I write this. I know it gets easier. I just hope if my friend was right and she was taking on my cancer…I hope she took it all! We love you Keta and will miss you tons! Until we meet at the rainbow bridge…have fun! Find Bonnie. She’ll introduce you to Clyde and Talon.
Love, gratitude and blessings to you all,
Susan
7 months ago, I had no idea how it would happen. I worried about the leaking roof so much it seemed to be making me sick. My insurance was taking care of the damage in the downstairs bedroom, but the roof would be my responsibility. I started calling roofing companies and getting estimates on my days off from work. The only quote under $16,000 was from 2 of the inside painters. They had never done a roof, but wanted to help me. Because I filed chapter 13 bankruptcy a year earlier, I couldn’t have anything on credit. How would I replace my roof without financing it? Even if the painters did it, the materials would still be over $8,000. I felt like I had no solutions. About a month after the original leak, I noticed the lump in my head had returned. Trying not to acknowledge it, I continued to do my daily cancer treatments I’ve been doing for the last several years. The lump in my armpit had also increased in size. So many thoughts went through my head. I thought I was done with the cancer. I had been doing all the right things – I thought. Could just worrying about the roof have caused it to come back? The stress of a problem with no apparent solutions. Could worry be that powerful? I talked to my doctor for the last 5 years, Dr Quintana at Natural Therapies and Spa in Mexico. He asked me to send pictures. I told him there wasn’t anything to see. I did it anyway, not realizing until I saw my breast on the screen that the skin had the “orange peel” look. Almost like a red bumpy rash – again, I had ignored, possibly hoping it would just go away. I knew I had to do more than the 3 hours I do every day already, but again…money was the issue.
I sent a letter to the bankruptcy office, asking them for help. I needed ideas/options I possibly hadn’t thought of. I felt like if I could get the roof taken care of, my body could once again, heal itself. Two days later, my chapter 13 angel called me back. He told me to send the same letter to the roofing companies in the area. He said “someone will replace your roof”. My friend Karla had told me the same thing, but when she said it, I thought to myself “yeah, right”. I started believing it was true. I kept seeing my house with a new roof on it. I kept seeing myself well again. I kept saying to myself “I am so happy and grateful that my house has a new roof…I am so happy and grateful now that my body is 100% healthy” regardless of the current circumstances. All of the details will come later.
The 2 days my roof was being replaced, it was cloudy and rained sporadically. It was dry during the most important time, between taking the old roof off and getting the plywood and waterproof layer on. I was so thankful it was getting done. I still don’t know who donated what. All About Hope organized it. Several companies donated the supplies and the labor. The first day, I barbequed a burger and polish sausage fest on the deck when they were done. I spent all of Friday, making beans, rice and all the makings for tacos. All from scratch. I had never made refried beans, so had to call my hospital family in Mexico for directions. They told me to add chorizo, so off I went to the store to make this the best Mexican feast I could. The workers loved it, especially the salsa. They were muddy from the rain, so we set up a table and ate in the garage. I hugged them all as they left. I followed them to the street, waving as they drove away. I got in my car to move it closer to my driveway. As I pulled up, I looked up at the house. Clouds still filled most of the sky, but had cleared over the house and a giant ray of sunlight was shining down. The “sunshine” in my room looked so happy! My roof had been replaced. It was completely done. I had no idea how it was going to happen, but I believed it would, and now it was done. I was overwhelmed! I cried so hard. I am so thankful! Thank you to everyone who was involved in replacing my roof! I am forever grateful! I love you all!
Love, gratitude and blessings
~Susan
~Susan
