How can someone say they love someone and hit them? Last night I got a friend request and one of the things we both “like” is the book “The Art of Racing in The Rain”. Last year, a coworker said she thought I’d like it…she said the dog tells the story about his owner, who is a race car driver. From my perspective, the dog tells the story about a race car driver, but it’s really about a woman who dies of cancer and a man who gets screwed in the court system by a family member who has more money than he does.
Anyway, there are times when she flips out. Then she cries, not understanding why she did it. I did that way more than anyone should – back when the cancer was taking over, but I didn’t know it yet. My anger was usually directed at my dog, then I would cry and lay on the floor with her as she would lick the tears and snot off my face. She was so forgiving.
I didn’t know that anger issues could be related to the liver. The terminal diagnosis made the anger worse, but at that point, I understood. I took out a few bushes and trees in my yard with an ax. I went to the gym for intense workouts when I felt the anger and frustration brewing. Aside from that, I began detoxing my body. Angry, screaming Susan wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Everything we put in or on our bodies has to be processed by our livers. If the filter is dirty, it can’t do its job. Unlike changing the air filter in the car or furnace, we have to clean ours without taking it out.
How do you clean a filter without taking it out? I would love for it to be magic and simply change a thought and have it cleaned, but it didn’t work like that for me. It has been a long, but simple process. I have found Gerson Coffee enemas to be the most effective at flushing stuff out of the liver. Stuff, it’s a technical term… The Gerson clinic recommends their patients do 3 a day for 5 years. See, told you it’s a long process. Most people die when cancer is residing in their liver. I wasn’t interested in that yet. I’ve never done 3/day, but I am in my 5th year of at least 1, 5 days a week. My demeanor is very different than it was 5 years ago.
Aside from flushing the stuff out, everything we breathe, eat, drink, inject (flu shots, vaccines…any drugs), put on our skin (our skin absorbs more stuff, that’s why nicotine and birth control patches work) has to be processed by the liver.
At home, I have air filters, shower filters – in a 10 minute shower, your skin absorbs chlorine equivalent to drinking 6-8 glasses of chlorinated water, and your lungs absorb up to 100 times that in the form of chlorine gas if the shower is as hot as I like it. $40/year for a shower filter is worth it to me.
If I can’t eat something, I don’t put it on my skin. I use organic coconut oil for moisturizing my skin. It feels great and it tastes great too, but that’s a different subject.
I eat mostly raw organic foods but some cooked foods.
There are always going to be things I can’t control. I don’t worry about those things. I do however, concern myself with the things I can control. Everything I eat or drink is a simple decision. It’s always my choice…except when I was passed out from low blood sugar and had sugar injected into me. But aside from that, most of our choices are ours to make.
How powerful to know that each decision, or lack of, is mine to choose. I get to decide every waking moment if I want to make my life better…or not.
The quality of what we put out is determined by the quality of what we put in.
Love, gratitude and blessings,
Susan
I’m sure I have days where I make lots of people mad. Yesterday could have been one of those days, but nobody called me on it. Yesterday, I had an old roommate text me “I love you Suzie”. He’s the only one other than my uncle Woody who calls me Suzie. He makes me smile! I don’t talk to him often, but always good to hear he’s alive…Both of them, actually! Later in the day, I was coordinating something for a friend. I got a text “Awesome! You Rock!” What I did for him wasn’t difficult, just something I had the resources to get done.
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me if I knew where she could get rid of a large quantity of shotgun ammunition. I know lots of people who shoot on a regular basis. I didn’t know my roommate had a shotgun, otherwise I would have probably kept it for him. A few people came to mind, but since my phone died and I lost most of my contacts, I didn’t have many phone numbers. I texted a friend who said he would take it. I didn’t ask anyone else. It was a lot more than I thought it was. We met and I gave it to him later the same day I got it. I was just making a connection. One friend was thrilled to get rid of stuff before moving and the other will be able to use it. Not a big deal.
I think I was probably more excited that he gave Buddy a tennis ball. He threw the ball and Buddy chased, got it and brought it back. It was the first time Buddy had ever played with a ball, other than taking them away from other dogs at the dog park. Buddy still carries the tennis ball and leaves it in different parts of the house. He will toss the ball for himself and go get it, like it’s alive and he’s playing before he kills it. I love to watch Buddy play! For anyone who doesn’t know, Buddy is my German shepherd mix we rescued from a shelter last year. He is very shy and acts like he was physically abused. He’s slowly adjusting.
Maybe because I think about the tennis ball friend when I see the bright yellow ball peeking out from under Buddy’s bed, or when I tripped on it and fell down the stairs (not really, I only missed one step)… but last week I had been given an abundance of something else. I texted him and asked if he wanted some. I’m not trying to give away crap, so of course the answer was yes. I also gave some of my loot to 4 other people.
Back to yesterday…I met him to give him his prize. He asked “Why are you being so nice to me?” Half joking, I told him because nobody else will talk to me. I think a lot of people go through life not speaking to other people unless they have to. I’ve been told I talk to too many people. I got the gift of gab from my dad…and his mom…my kid got it from all of us!
It got me thinking…”why are you being so nice to me?” Why wouldn’t I be nice to him? It’s not like he left my toilet seat up and snored all night and kept me awake. That would’ve brought a different response. Why am I nice to anyone? Maybe I’m being selfish, because I believe what goes around, comes around. How I treat others will be how they treat me. Maybe the good comes from somewhere else. I listen. If I have information someone needs, I pass it along. If I have something I don’t want that someone else needs, I give it to them. Making connections has the potential to help everyone involved. It makes people happy. I was the same way before I got sick, but I think cancer has made me see things more differently than others see the same things. Life is short…A phrase that means a lot more when you have a terminal diagnosis. Aside from my belief that I’m going to live past 140, (active and healthy) there’s always the possibility of something happening to someone else. My goal is to leave people better than before I was there. It doesn’t always happen. I don’t always remember. Most of the time I think I’m successful at it. A simple smile. “Hello”. Letting a homeless man and his dog move in for 8 months…Wait, no, that was a cancer decision. It turned out to be a good one, but not something I would recommend. Talk about changing someone’s life! 
A story for another day.
Love, gratitude and blessings, Susan
Tuesday was the first day of summer. When I was driving last week, I heard them talking about it on the radio. What would I do to celebrate? The weather was supposed to be nice. When I go kayaking, I can only stay on the water a few hours without frying myself. I wanted it to be challenging and outside. The tumor on the back of my head has gotten a lot smaller, I’m hoping the residual lump is just scar tissue. I’m not getting headaches from it anymore. Something past my comfort level, but still doable.
I decided to hike Mailbox Peak. I asked my Facebook friends if anyone wanted to go. Nobody responded. I decided to go anyway. Probably not the best idea, as I later found out, but I’m not going to wait for anyone to do something I want to do. I told a friend where I would be, not expecting anything to happen, but just in case.
Monday was the last day of school here. Cameron said he was going to be at the beach hanging out with his friends. There were several hundred kids on the beach when I arrived with my kayak. Cameron ran over, got it off the roof and put it in the water for me. I’m so blessed with such an awesome kid! I was going to just goof around the Mukilteo beach, when I changed my mind and decided to go all the way across to Whidbey Island. I think it’s about 2½ miles, but the ferry run shows about 3. Even 2/3 of the way across, I could still hear the kids yelling and celebrating their last day of school. The water was calm. It was sunny and about 70 degrees, just the way I like it. There were 2 harbor seals who followed me. I tried many times to get a picture, but that must be against the seal code. They were successful at going under every time. It took me almost 2 hours to get to Whidbey, but that included taking pictures and just leaning back enjoying the serenity. I challenged myself and made it back in under an hour. I enjoyed every minute of it!
Tuesday…the first day of summer.
Mailbox Peak is a lot like childbirth. You forget how intense it is. Sure, every time I’ve done it I tell people how brutal it is, I even told someone on Monday how miserable it is. But that’s why I do some of the things I do.
Mailbox Peak is in North Bend, WA. It’s the next peak east of Mt Si. They both are about 4,200′ elevation gain hikes, but Mt Si is 4.3 miles and Mailbox Peak is 2.5 miles. It’s like steps, without the steps. Add in lots of tree roots, mud, snow and loose dirt and rocks at the top. I’ve hiked Mt Si twice over the last 3 weeks and didn’t have any problems. Mailbox would challenge me! Even within the first mile, I considered turning around and hiking Mt Si instead. On the way down, I realized the first mile is the easiest.
About 2/3 of the way up, two men and a 5 year old caught up to me. I had probably thought 50 times or more about turning around until I saw them. The blonde hair, blue eyed little guy was truckin right along. At times, he grabbed a rope his dad was holding to help pull him up the steep grade. He was still doing it. If he could do it. I would too. I let them pass me, but they slowed down. I stayed behind them until they stopped for a break. While behind them, I was checking them out. Trying to anyway. Their shorts were too baggy to properly assess their assets. ‘Is that what I think it is?’ I thought. The kid’s dad, had something on his right hip, under his shirt. The more we walked, the more I looked, trying to figure out what it was. At one point, he picked up the kid. His shirt went up. It was a holster. I only saw the back of the gun. Based on what I know, it wasn’t big enough to protect against a bear or a mountain lion. Is that what he had it for…protection? So many things went through my head. Before I got to the trail head. I texted the same friend I told I was going hiking by myself, saying if I didn’t come back, where to find a key to my car. I was making a stupid “if I fall off a cliff and die” joke, but he ignored my silliness. Were they there to hurt someone? I just chalked it up to the big guy with USMC tattooed on his arm, being paranoid. I didn’t think about it anymore until last night when I saw on the news 2 men raped and pistol whipped a female in Seattle earlier that day.
Enough of that! Regardless of the difficulty of the trail, there were so many things to look at. Green moss, full landscapes growing out of fallen trees, mushrooms, caterpillars, a rushing creek with small waterfalls… Beautiful! Getting thru the woods, feels like you’ll go on forever. Coming out of the woods was amazingly gorgeous! Mountains all around, blue sky, bright sunshine. It made it worth continuing.
The night before on the biggest loser, the guy who had lost 313 pounds in a year said “As long as you have excuses to not improve your life, it will never happen”. I kept telling myself, NO EXCUSES! I probably had some very valid excuses, but chose to do it anyway. It was so worth it! 
The view was spectacular! I always think of how few people will get to see what I was looking at, aside from pictures. I’m sure people say that from the top of Mt Rainier, but there are parts of that climb I’m not willing to do…(at this time)
There are always interesting things in the Mailbox. I put a couple of trial size deodorants inside. It was 86 degrees, so I’m guessing at some point, they’ll be appreciated. I forgot my headlamp so wanted to make it back to the car before dark. Dark on Mailbox peak happens when the sun drops below Mt Si. I only stayed at the top for an hour, soaking in the sunshine and the glorious scenery. Once again, I forgot. I forgot how much my knees and my back didn’t like the descent. There were a lot of side steps, because the incline was so steep, I would risk falling forward if I went straight. I don’t have a way to accurately describe it. Even the pictures make the trail look easy, compared to what it really is.
The easy part of the trail
I only fell once in the snow and slipped but caught myself before falling in the mud. There were several times when I jolted and felt like I strained my back. I almost sat in the mud and cried. Why had I decided to do this? It’s always easier when I’m with someone, because I don’t want to let them down.
There are so many events in my past where I just wanted to sit in the mud and cry. This was one of them. Sometimes I curled up on the couch and did cry. Looking back though, I made it through all those things. Many seemed insurmountable. I did it anyway. I’ve pushed myself every time it mattered.
No excuses. Just do it. Never regret the things I’ve done, only the things I haven’t done. I’ve done this many times before, I can do it now…and if I make it back in time, I can get a massage. That may have been my true motivation.
I did make it back before dark. I did make it back to get a massage before going home and to bed. I don’t remember what I did on the first day of spring, or the first day of summer last year. I will remember my hike to the top of Mailbox Peak, and probably do it again soon.
Challenge yourself! Push your limits! Remember to stop and smell the flowers, laugh, sing, dance, have fun and be happy, just because you want to.
Love, gratitude and blessings
Susan
Mailbox Peak
Ever wonder where certain ideas we have come from? I remember a teacher in 5th grade asking “why can’t you be like everyone else?” She told another class she was going to have me taken out of the gifted program if I didn’t perform in her class the way she thought I should. She was the first teacher I remember despising. Why was it the business of another class what I was or wasn’t doing?
Fast forward a few years…one of my best friends told me she and her dad had been talking about me. He was explaining to her that just because I laugh a lot and act happy, doesn’t mean I’m really happy. Nobody is really like that. He told her I must be acting happy all the time to cover up that I was really hurting and sad. I wasn’t sad until she told me that. That may have been the beginning of trying to figure out who I really was. Questioning myself.
Next thing I’m remembering, was when I was a junior in high school. I had been active in the youth group since 8th grade. We met at someone’s house every Sunday night after church. Our leader, I’m not remembering his name, was singing a song. He had his hands in the air over his head, had a physically hurt look on his face and had tears streaming from his eyes. The more he sang, the more dramatic he got. Every time he belted out “Jesus” his face writhed with pain. He was probably about 2 minutes into the song when I snorted and busted out laughing. I’m doing it again now!!! I remembered! His name was Steve. All I could think about was if Jesus made him hurt so bad and look this miserable, why would I want to be a part of it? I’ve since realized, it was his interpretation I didn’t want to be a part of. He let me laugh for another 15 seconds until he stopped singing, yelled at me and told me to go outside. I did. I wondered how much trouble I was going to get into when my parents found out what I had done. He looked so stupid to me. I was not going to follow his lead and do what he was doing. I waited outside for what seemed like forever. He came outside to talk to me. He said “You don’t see anyone else acting like that” I was thinking…they wanted to, they just were too concerned with what everyone else would think…I actually felt bad. Why wasn’t I like everyone else? I didn’t fit in at school, now I had goofed up and wasn’t going to fit in at church either. I was bummed out. I kept going, but did a better job of filtering myself. I got better at making sarcastic remarks with a straight face, so people thought I was an “airhead” instead of being disrespectful and laughing. I regularly asked myself why I was so different. I saw it as being a bad thing. I thought it was bad to not fit in. I thought it was bad to not be a leader or a follower and just be me. It seemed to be a repeating pattern in my life.
Jump ahead again…several times, my first husband said similar things… “you’re not normal”, “why can’t you just do things like everyone else does”, “you don’t fit in no matter where you go”…What a blessing! It wasn’t until then, that my rebelliousness kicked in. I finally decided…I don’t care! Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to not fit in. It was only because I saw it as “bad”, that I was hurt when someone said something about it. I realized no matter what it is, if I think it’s bad…and someone associates me with it, then I’m likely to get offended by it. If I see it as being good…then I don’t care that someone calls me…rebellious or selfish. I see it as a good thing that I don’t accept authority to the point of not thinking for myself. When I’m not feeling good and someone asks me how I’m doing, my usual response is “I’m always good!…and sometimes I’m a liar” Is being a liar a bad thing? Most people think it is. I prefer to say I’m good, than to talk about what’s hurting.
Tonight, I had a friend say “you’re one strange character” It was the best thing anyone said to me all day! I don’t want to be like everyone else. I probably won’t ever fit into a box. I no longer want to.
It is my belief, that people only get offended by the things they think about themselves that they see as being bad. If it’s a good thing, they feel good about it and if they don’t think it applies at all, it doesn’t matter. We have the ability to change the way we see things or change our behavior to be what makes us feel better about ourselves. The only opinion that matters about me is my own. I’m always…no, most of the time…open to criticism about myself. In fact, someone told me to make lifestyle changes to improve my health a couple days ago. My first thought was “what?” “me?” Within 10 seconds, I shifted to “hmmm, what can I change to make my life better”. It’s way past my bedtime…I’ll read this tomorrow and see if it makes sense.
Love, gratitude and blessings!
Susan
Filed under: coaching
I’ve been guilty of distracted driving several times I’m aware of and who knows how many I’m not. By the way, driving home from the vet when putting down a family member should probably involve a designated driver. Last night, I was thinking about how different people react to different events in their lives. We all have the opportunity to let things go and learn from them, or become a victim and let it run us. Yesterday, I listened to a lady cry about how her daughter wouldn’t help her when she needed a place to stay. She was telling me how hurt and betrayed she felt. How her family had disowned her…..I didn’t ask her how she treated them before she needed help, but that doesn’t matter. She chose to be hurt instead of moving forward. Her anger and bitterness toward her family- that probably started with little irritations, has manifested itself into psychological problems, making her unable to function in society. I believe she had the choice to find another way. She may be too far gone to change it now, I don’t know. Find the blessings every moment of every day. Let the little things go…and if you just can’t see them as “little”…jump out of a plane. It puts things into perspective!
Love, gratitude and blessings,
Susan
10 seconds…just 10 seconds in my day. 10 seconds out of 86,400 seconds in my day. A tiny amount of time. If I did the math right, .01157% of my day. Those 10 little seconds were the happiest part of my day. Those 10 little seconds held enough joy to keep a smile in my heart for the rest of the day. I’m still smiling. It made me think about how a thought can lead to another thought…that single thought can keep replaying in my mind over and over again. How exciting that a seemingly uneventful moment can change a mood for…an hour…a day…a week…for forever.
Spending an hour doing cardio – tonight was on a treadmill, gives me the opportunity to think about a lot of things. I am so grateful that my blissful 10 seconds, was something that made me happy. I realized that it could have gone the other way. I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen lately on my way out of the gym. I shared my ah ha moment. He’s going through a rough spot. He told me about an emotional moment he had a few weeks ago. It led to emptying out a bottle of sleeping pills into his hand. He filled a glass with water. He was ready to give up on everything…because of something someone he loves had said to him. The situation seemed hopeless. He doesn’t know what changed his mind, but he put the pills back in the bottle. Even if the conversation was 10 minutes…still less than .7% of his day…he’s been an emotional wreck for the last 3 weeks.
I’ll do my best to allow the good things to make me happy, for however many minutes they want to keep showing up. For the not so good things, I’ll do my best to find the blessings, change what I need to and let go of the rest. Make every moment count!
Love, gratitude and blessings
Susan Story
Filed under: alternative treatments, bodybuilding, cancer, coaching, colon cleansing, health, Hyperbaric Chamber, Inspiration, nutrition, sport specific training
I especially like the tan!
Many people make decisions at the beginning of a year to make changes in their lives. These changes are meant to improve their lives in some way. They want to lose weight, get in better shape, quit things like smoking or abusing alcohol, improve their finances, relationships, living situations (mine is eliminate clutter)…The lists are endless. My big question is always “Why”? Why do you want – whatever it is you want? What are you willing to give up for it? Is your “why” big enough to “deprive” yourself of the other?
Why are you thinking you are depriving yourself of something if eliminating it will make your life better? If you keep doing it, aren’t you depriving yourself of a better life?
Change is hard for most people. If it’s something you want bad enough, it’s a lot easier. The more specific it is, the easier it is. I’ve been told many times I have an “all or nothing” attitude. When it’s something really important to me, I do. Regarding the cancer: 7 years ago, medical treatment offered me less than 1% of hope for surviving a year. I had to rely on alternative sources of information in order to help myself to get well. All the information in the world, won’t help if I don’t get off my butt and implement it. I was going to say I have had more discipline for getting rid of the cancer than I’ve ever had, but that’s not exactly true. When I set a goal to compete in a bodybuilding competition, I do everything I know to do to prepare for the competition. My diet used to be exactly what my trainer told me to do, now it is exactly what I’ve learned to do based on past experience with my body and what I’ve learned from other sources. The competition gives me a date I have to accomplish my goal by. I know I don’t get an extra week. Once my diet, workouts, cardio and sleep schedule start, I know that regardless of the judges decisions, I’ve done my best. If I skip cardio, or “just onecookie” and I don’t do well at the show, I know I have no one to blame but me. If I don’t make the goal to compete, to get up on stage wearing an outfit that’s 6 inches at its widest point, I have no reason to push myself to that extent. Don’t misunderstand, my diet is probably cleaner than that of most competitors “pre-contest diet”, but immaculate when I’m “pre-contest”. I know that every time I compete, my body looks better after the show than it did before I started the process. I know that my confidence is improved, every time I get off the stage. I think I’m talking myself into something here. The goal is only the beginning. The end result – stage pictures – keeps me focused. I know I have to stay focused on my own, because few of my friends are going to call and say “what time are you going to the gym? I’ll meet you for an hour on the stair climber”. My kid probably isn’t going to say “no, mom, lets have raw eggs or a salad in the blender instead of pizza”. Being around people who aren’t supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish could blow my efforts. If I didn’t have the discipline I do, because my “why” is so important, my competition goal would be a lot more difficult.
Yes, my competing goal takes up a lot of time, which is why I haven’t made that decision yet. At this point, I have 20 minutes on the Body Vibe, an hour in hyperbaric chamber, an hour for Gerson coffee, oil pulling, dry brushing, hot/cold shower, food prep and getting myself ready all before work. After work, I fit in my workout, another hot/cold shower and 30-60 minutes in the sauna. I feel great and have no evidence of cancer, but since it’s only been a short time since the last tumor, still need to do it all.
I would love to get rid of the clutter in my house! I don’t know where to start. Maybe there’s someone out there wanting to lose weight. You can help me de-clutter and I’ll call you and say “meet me at the gym for an hour on the step mill”!
Make your why big enough and get up and make it happen!
Love, gratitude and blessings to you all
Susan Wonder Stone
It’s been 2 weeks since Keta’s been gone. We all miss her! The day after she died, Cameron called me at work. He knows I can’t talk unless I’m on a break, so I was a little stressed when he didn’t leave a message to say what he wanted. He didn’t answer when I called him back…
I didn’t write about it, but a couple months ago, my supervisor came over to tell me my son had called 911 and the fire was spreading from the microwave. All I could say was “we don’t have a microwave!” She wasn’t going to let me drive home until she felt I was safe to drive. I was a basket case, so driving was out of the question for quite some time! We didn’t know how bad the fire was and Cameron wasn’t answering our home phone or his cell. It turned out the cheese on his nachos had caught the toaster oven on fire. Our neighbor had the fire out before the fire department got there. The ceiling was torched and the cabinets were coated with a pretty shade of black. The toaster oven found a new home at the dump, but everyone was safe. Cameron did a great job, getting both dogs outside, calling for help, then going outside to wait. Dean was looking around, trying to figure out where the alarm was coming from when Cameron asked him to help. I’m so proud of Cameron, thinking fast, telling the 911 operator all the information she asked for (and asking her to let my supervisor know what was going on) asking Dean for help and not freaking out! And SO Thankful for Dean for helping! I’m thankful for all my neighbors. Where was I going??? Oh yeah.
…The day after she died…Cameron and Buddy were at home while I was at work. Cameron was not cooking. Out of the blue, for no apparent reason, the smoke alarms went off. He said they went off for about 10 seconds, then stopped. About a minute later they did it again. He wasn’t scared. He knew it was Keta, telling him she was still there. He told me about it when I came home. The following day, we were all in the kitchen. I was cooking, but not burning anything. There was no steam. Again, no reason for the alarms to go off. But…they did. We have 2 upstairs and one downstairs. All 3 alarms were sounding. Same as usual, they screeched for 10- 15 seconds. It was loud, but we laughed. We acknowledged Keta, told her we loved her and again, thanked her for her time with us. It’s our own sign from “the other side”. It happens when someone close dies. Sometimes the day of, sometimes later, sometimes the day before or after I get the email or phone call. Every time our smoke alarms go off for no reason, I always get the information. It used to be scary, but with so many friends in the cancer world, has become part of our lives. It’s something that reminds us we don’t have all the answers to some of our deepest questions.
On the lighter side…
Buddy has taken over hanging out in my room for a few minutes when I go to bed. Not like Keta, who would wait until I fell asleep. I guess she forgot to tell him to stay until my breathing changes. It’s all good though, it makes me smile and sometimes laugh when he gets up and goes to his bed in the hallway, shortly after I turn off the salt lamps. He’s been going places in the car with me on my days off. He sits in the back and watches for me to come back. Yesterday while waiting for a light to change, I accidentally turned on the back wiper. His ears perked up as he watched it slide across the window then back again. I watched in the rear-view mirror and laughed as his head twisted and turned. He jumped when the car behind us honked the horn. I can always count on the person behind me to bring the green light to my attention. Buddy is the first “non rottweiler” I’ve had. Maybe it’s just him, but I’ve never had this much food on the floor at my house. He won’t eat the food he spills out of his bowl. He begs for what I’m eating, then drops it on the floor for me or someone else to step on. He won’t even eat popcorn or the goldfish crackers Keta would do any trick for. He’s the most gentle dog I’ve ever had. Wrestling and tug o war are not his things. Something I’m going to have to get used to. His personality is different than the others, but he’s a great dog. He’s a great companion. And he can look really scary when a stranger comes to the door. Thank you Buddy for being my friend, my protector and adding a new dimension to our family.
Love, gratitude and Blessings
Susan
I woke up in an excellent mood this morning. So many things going through my head. What do I want to be, do and have in my life that I haven’t done, been or had? So many things!
A few days ago, I was watching a Trans Siberian Orchestra video. Tears started streaming down my face. It turned into an all out cry. Why? I had no idea what I was crying about. Something was triggered by the video or the music, but I didn’t know what. Was it because I don’t get to see my extended family on Christmas anymore? Getting time off from work for Christmas won’t happen for another 20 years based on seniority. So many questions, but none of them seemed to be the answer. As soon as I hit “comment” to send my question out to the world of facebook, I figured it out.
I had heard about TSO years ago, and liked their music. I had been working for my friend Dan who asked me if I wanted to go to the concert for my Christmas present. It was the year after the cancer had spread to my liver and lymphatic system. I loved the concert! I wanted so bad to take Cameron to the next one. It would be another year until they were back in Seattle. I didn’t think I would be alive for another year. The statistics for recurrent melanoma gave me less than 1% chance of being alive a year after diagnosis. I had already made it more than a year. A new lump that looked like half a golf ball was sticking out of the back of my head. The daily headaches were almost unbearable. I knew if the tumor went into my brain, my thinking process would be greatly compromised and beating the cancer probably wouldn’t happen. My first trip to the hospital in Mexico was 2 months later. After three weeks of alternative treatments, the lump had shrunk, but I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I looked horrible too. I was too sick to work at all. I followed the “cancer restraint diet” and did daily treatments at home. After a couple of months, things started improving. I went back for another week of treatments in August. I still didn’t know if I would be alive in two months, much less two years or beyond. As we approached the date for the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, I was still alive. I was feeling pretty good, but not good enough to work, doing any of the jobs I had done in the past. My mom was making my house payments, child support almost paid the utilities and I was scraping by on minimal dshs assistance with food stamps. There were no extras. I didn’t have the money for the tickets. I had made it the year. Somehow it had to happen. I put an ad on Craigslist asking for someone to give me the tickets. Every two days I would take it down and repost it. The day of the concert, an angel sent me a link to her tickets. She said her daughter had a soccer game and they couldn’t go. I was overwhelmed. I called Cameron’s dad and told him I was taking Cameron to the concert. I was nervous getting over that hurdle too, since back then, he rarely budged from the parenting plan. I picked Cameron up later that day, and told him he was getting his Christmas present early. He loved the concert. I cried many times during the concert, so thankful I was still alive to be able to give him the experience. What an awesome gift! Something he would always remember in case I wasn’t there for the next Christmas. As the concert date approached the next year, again, I was excited to still be alive. This time, I had a job and money to buy the tickets. We decided to make it our annual Christmas tradition.
Tonight is our 5th Trans Siberian Orchestra concert together. We were laughing yesterday, about how I’ll be alive long after TSO stops having concerts. Until then, we will continue to go. Hopefully next year I will not only be alive, but be cancer free too!
Love, gratitude and blessings to you all!
Susan
