Filed under: coaching, Death, Gratitude, Hope, Inspiration, Love | Tags: Belief system, Choices, Dreams, Encouragement, Friendship, Gratitude, Inspiration, Love, Missed Opportunities
Another beautiful story about friendship and connections. Written by Darian Clogston, another of my son Cameron’s best friends. And a little Harry Potter spoiler…
I went to Jake Long‘s memorial service this weekend, and it was the most difficult funeral I have ever been to.
Not that I have been to a whole lot of funerals, but for a twenty-year-old, the few I have been to already feel like far too many. Jake’s was different for me though, because he and I were not friends…not until after he died. Prior to a week ago, when I had been asked if I knew Jake Long – and I had been asked before, on at least a couple occasions – my answer was, “The name is familiar; I would probably recognize him if you showed me a picture…” His profile picture on Facebook would jumpstart my memory, prompting me to add on, “Oh, he sat with the group of guys behind Blake and I in Mr. Schillinger’s calculus class my senior year”. Not really a significant connection to bring up, considering that I essentially never talked to, or even really acknowledged, that group of guys sitting behind us. I’ve thought about that class every day since Jake died though. There were 180 school days where I could’ve tried to talk to them. 180 missed opportunities where I never said, “Hey”, or, “Good morning”, or anything. I’d just walk in every day, glancing a little skeptically at Will Kramer rocking on the back legs of his chair – that drove the stage manager side of me nuts – and then I’d take my seat next to Blake. And Blake is just such a friendly and positive human to sit next to at 7:20 in morning; It made sense to mostly just talk to him and to ignore everyone else as much as possible.
I know I can’t fill my mind with the what-if’s though. That’s not fair to myself, or to Jake, or to anyone. That class was years ago, and I can’t change the fact that I never talked to Jake when I had such a prime opportunity to. The connection between Jake and I started to grow even years before that though. The problem was just that neither of us knew it.
Jake had taken part in the Summit program, through which he grew a group of guy friends that became a very solid, tightknit bunch. Cameron – one of my two very best friends now – was a part of Jake’s group then. I’ve heard a remarkable amount of stories and anecdotes in the past week about what Jake was like back then and about the shenanigans that this group of guys was able to get into together, and everything I hear makes me love Jake a little more.
And let me tell you, he’s amazing. I’m not going to re-cap all of the stories I’ve been able to hear about him, or share all of the photos I’ve seen of him in the past week, because other people have shared those with me, and I feel like their memories are better left in their own hands to keep sharing. But either way, there is no denying that Jake is one awesome guy. From what I can tell, he and I would get along so well if we had ever had the chance to hang out together.
One of the biggest differences between us is the fact that Jake loves baseball and I love theatre. But within our own realms, each of us thrives. We’re both driven and passionate when we get involved with something. Baseball and theatre are our outlets. They allow us space to practice, and to persevere, and to overcome obstacles, and to build community, and to engage, and to inspire. These activities keep us going. They give us something to look forward to.
Attending Jake’s memorial service was surreal in a way. It is one thing to know and love someone, have them pass away, and to then grieve for them by reflecting on their life, celebrating their achievements, and sharing the stories you have about them. But to begin to know and love someone after they’re gone – that is a whole other beast to tackle. Responding to the question, “How do you know Jake?”, was harder than it ever had been before. I hadn’t even known that Cameron and Jake had been so close until after Jake died. And Cameron has been the biggest contributing factor to me learning about Jake, but I have also witnessed an outpouring of love and stories coming from the other friends that Jake and I share, as well as from his family at the service. So simply saying that we have a mutual best friend doesn’t seem to sum it up. It feels more like Jake has become one of my best friends himself.
Late on the night of the funeral, when I finally went home, I was welcomed by new groceries that my mom had picked up that day. It was late, and I was sleepy and I wanted to go to bed, but I also didn’t quite feel like I could sleep yet. So, being the huge nerd that I am, I sat down in our living room and started thinking about Harry Potter. Often, I find myself using the morals found in Harry Potter to get me through rough patches of life. It’s as if J.K. Rowling has a direct line to my heart through her writing. This past week, I have been drawing inspiration specifically from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Spoilers from this and other books will occur if you continue reading). The end of the fourth installment to the series is where Hogwarts loses one of it’s students, Cedric Diggory, to the hands of Voldemort, and where Dumbledore tells his school that they must band together for the light to rise out of the dark. I have found this part of the series very relatable this week because Jake, Anna, and Jordan are all a little bit like Kamiak’s Cedric Diggory. The sense of community and love felt at the end of the fourth book was exactly what I was reflecting on when I looked up and saw two copies of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child sitting on the mantle. Now, I love Harry Potter. I love the books, I love the movies, I feel kind of iffy about all the spin-off books and movies, but they are all an extension of the Wizarding World that I consider myself to be a part of, so I love them too. BUT all of that being said, when I picked up my copy of this new book, I didn’t know anything about it. I had heard it was coming out soon…but I had no idea what was inside. I opened the front cover to read the inside flap; it informed me that this was actually not a book at all. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is a play, and so I was holding in my hands not a book, but a script. Continuing to read the inside cover flap, I also learned that the play is already in production in London’s West End. The world premiere was July 30, 2016. The date that Jake, Anna, and Jordan died.
I took all of this as a sign. I needed to start reading. The timing was too perfect, and a play about Harry Potter – yes there are already other Harry Potter-related plays, but one that J.K. Rowling wrote and brought to life – it felt like it was meant for me to start reading immediately. I made a snack, took my new script up to my room, and jumped in. I made it three scenes before falling asleep. So the next day when I woke up, all I did was read. I read until I finished the play, only stopping for a bathroom break or two. And it AMAZED me how much of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child depended on Cedric’s death. The entire play is about the idea that while you can’t change the past, you can allow the past to inspire you to live.
My favorite part of the script, the part that resonates with me the most, is this exchange between Harry and a portrait of Dumbledore:
DUMBLEDORE attempts to reach out of the portrait – but he can’t. He begins to cry but tries to hide it.
DUMBLEDORE: But I had to meet you in the end…eleven years old, and you were so brave. So good. You walked uncomplainingly along the path that had been laid at your feet. Of course I loved you…and I knew that it would happen all over again…that where I loved, I would cause irreparable damage. I am no fit person to love…I have never loved without causing harm.
HARRY: You would have hurt me less if you had told me this then.
DUMBLEDORE (openly weeping now): I was blind. That is what love does. I couldn’t see that you needed to hear this closed-up, tricky, dangerous old man…loved you.
A pause. The two men are overcome with emotion.
HARRY: It isn’t true that I never complained.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe.
HARRY: You have said that to me once before.
DUMBLEDORE: It is all I have to offer you tonight.
He begins to walk away.
HARRY: Don’t go!
DUMBLEDORE: Those that we love never truly leave us, Harry. There are things that death cannot touch. Paint…and memory…and love.
HARRY: I loved you too, Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: I know.
Jake, as well as Anna and Jordan, were taken from us too soon. And we can’t ever change that. But through the memories and love that they instilled while they were alive, they gave so much light to everyone around them. And so we have to live for them, spreading their love and memory and light along with our own, Always.
*Upon reading this, Jansen – another member of Jake and Cameron’s Summit friend group and another friend of mine – wrote me this: “I remember him saying that you were in Calc together. He said that he didn’t know you too well but he thought you were cool and he wished he got to know you better in Calc[…]Jake knew how much you meant to Cameron and what a great person you are. He heard it from me, as well as from Cameron. Even though you never became good friends, you now feel close to him in his death, hearing all about him from Cameron. And he knew how important you are to Cameron. It wasn’t 180 missed opportunities, instead it was 180 days of distant friendship, both incredibly important to each other and to Cameron.”
I love our distant friendship and how it has evolved. I love you, Jake
by Darian Clogston
Jake will be missed by so many! We can’t bring him back, but we can live our lives even bigger than anything we’ve ever planned before.
Love, gratitude and blessings
Filed under: Uncategorized
One of my best friends took me to the Daughtry concert last night. I told several people I was going, but they had no idea what I was talking about. The kids who were at my house before I left asked me if it was a country concert. I wondered if it was just my age. I listen to the same radio stations they do, I think. Once we got there, I looked around the line. Mostly gray and white hair. I saw a few people younger than me, but very few. One of the worker guys, told us they were checking bags . I asked what they were looking for and he replied “water, drinks”. I told him I had my medication in my bottle. He told me to tell the bag checkers that I’m diabetic and need my water. I quickly told him, I don’t have diabetes, it’s cancer. His tone changed to that of sorrow. He told me I look too healthy to have cancer. I told him it’s more of a learning tool than a bad thing and hugged him as he motioned for a high five.
Funny how they’re checking bags for water, but one of my cop friends went to a concert with me and had a gun strapped to his leg, one strapped on his side and another on his hip. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him going places ready to protect me and those around us, but a bag check for water bottles seems a little off.
We were about an hour early and had lots of time to people watch. The crowd wasn’t as old as I had originally thought. About 30 minutes into it, I leaned over to the man beside me and asked “Do you want to play real or implants? ” He replied “Excuse me?” He heard me, he just didn’t think he did. I asked him again and he replied “I’ve already been playing it in my head.” He leaned his head back, tilting it to the side like a confused dog when I said “I know, I could hear it. Mine are real, the implants tried to kill me.” My friend and I laughed. He just sat there with the same confused look on his face.
Ever since getting my breast implants removed, whenever I see them I want to ask “Do you have unexplained headaches, migraines, chest pain, joint pain, muscle aches, yeast or fungal infections, bladder pain and infections, hair loss… other symptoms the doctors can’t explain to you?” The list of symptoms is so much longer. It sounds too much like a tv commercial for a drug, so usually if I say anything, it’s about how much better I feel since getting rid of mine. I hope nobody ever has to go through what I have, even though it’s been a great education!
They announced that the concert was being televised at different Children’s Hospital’s around the country. It made me think about Anna, Jake and Jordan. I hope the kids watching will recover and be able to live long lives, contributing to the world in the best ways they can. Anna, Jake and Jordan won’t have that opportunity.
Before leaving for the concert, I was talking to the kids at my house who had gone to Anna’s memorial service earlier. All three of the kids killed last week (Anna, Jake and Jordan) were amazingly talented and loving people. Their hopes and dreams will never be realized. When my friend Dee Cernile was still alive, we promised each other we would spend the rest of our lives teaching people to take responsibility for their own lives and health. I will never be the musician Dee was, that’s not a gift I was given. I can however use my gifts to their fullest and hopefully make a bigger difference with my commitment to him, than I would have otherwise. I still think about Dee every day, even though he’s been gone for over four years.
Many people say ‘time heals all wounds’. I don’t believe that! At least it hasn’t been true for me. Time has softened the blows, but it will never change the fact that no matter how many questions or conversations I want to have with people who are gone, I will never get audible answers.
I told the kids how I hope that they will all commit to using their gifts more. Collectively, if we love more, live more and use our gifts more than we have been, maybe our impact can be a bigger influence, being contagious to those around us and make the world a better place.
There’s no making sense to Anna, Jake and Jordan’s deaths. The best I know to do is to help my circle of influence, find ways to improve themselves and live in ways our gone-but-not-forgotten friends would smile at.
Let’s carry the torch for those we’ve lost.
Daughtry’s song Torches, reinforced what I was thinking. I had never heard it before last night, but felt how appropriate it is for me now.
I don’t know how I made it through the song without crying, like I’m doing as I write this.
All the hate and lies around us
Like an ember in the brush
And can you picture a world without it?
And turn it all to ash and dust
We keep waiting on a day that never comes and never comes
Too late is not a thing and we just gotta be stronger
Oh, gotta be stronger
Love is like a torch that’s burning bright
Carry it on, carry it on and you’ll see
Fire will shine a light on the darkest side
Carry it on, carry it on
Cause we can never right all the wrongs
So leave the past well enough alone
Take a look at what we started
Oh, spreading kindness all around
Don’t you know it’s so contagious? Yeah
Take a hit and pass it down
We keep waiting on a day that never comes and never comes
Too late is not a thing and we just gotta be strong
Jake’s memorial service is today. Jordan’s is next week. Let’s be more kind and show people more love. Maybe we are the ones to make the difference.
Love, gratitude and blessings
Filed under: Death, Gratitude, Hope, Inspiration, parenting, Wiener Friendly Soap | Tags: Belief system, Choices, Coaching, Dreams, Encouragement, Fear, Gratitude, Hope, Inspiration, Love, Not Good Enough, Perspective, Wiener Friendly Soap
I’ve often said that there are few “bad” things I haven’t experienced and overcome, that allow me to help others get to the other side of the trials they face. From car accidents, moving when I didn’t have a choice, watching my dog get run over by a train, breakups including 2 divorces, 7 miscarriages, being accused of being a violent drug abuser with my son temporarily being taken away from me, getting fired from a job I loved, having to file bankruptcy, breaking my back and being told I’d never walk again, losing friends in other skydiving and airplane accidents, my dad dying from cancer, 2 dogs and too many close friends and acquaintances also taken too soon…to my own terminal cancer diagnosis and the daily struggles that came with it…including having to go outside of the country to get the treatments that have kept me alive, having countless doctors refuse to help me because I won’t allow more biopsies and recently finding out that the toxicity of my breast implants could have been the reason my immune system wasn’t healing my body – even though I was doing all the right things.
As I write this, so many other things fill my head. The roof leak that caused over $11,000 damage and the insurance company threatening to drop my coverage unless I replaced the $16,000 roof in the middle of a chapter 13 bankruptcy. One of my dogs dying 4 days after a cat bite. A police officer telling my son I was overreacting from someone attempting to break into our house, only later to have “the suspect” admit he had broken in at least 15 times and had stolen from us. Answering the 911 call from a neighbor describing my house being on fire (it was my neighbor’s house, but it took another 30 seconds to find that out. They weren’t home, but the cat and bird died in the fire), then a year later when my supervisor advised me my son had called in and our kitchen was on fire (my firefighter neighbor took care of it before the fire department arrived)…then I think of the stressful 911 calls I took for over 6 years with people hurt, dying or dead, amongst all the non emergency stuff…
The traumas other family members have faced. My oh my! How thankful I feel right now! None of that was on my mind to write about.
None of those things could have prepared me or anyone else for getting the news that three people were killed and one in serious condition at a party in my community. Like I said yesterday, I got messages way before my alarm was set to go off. I knew that when the news reports said college age and teenagers in the same sentence that I would know the people involved. I’ve lived in Mukilteo since 1992. Many people in this community have lived here for a long time too. Several hours after getting the initial news, I opened Facebook and saw that one of my son’s good friends had been killed. I was at work and managed to stay through the end of my shift, but not without crying…a lot.
Shortly after I got home, several kids sat in our living room crying and telling stories. There was a vigil Saturday night, at Kamiak high school. I was going to go, but after talking to my mom and my brother the kids were already home. We all cried more. Rayla was so upset, she was throwing up. She went to bed early, while Cameron and I stayed up talking.
Most of the day Sunday, was filled with tears. There was a community vigil being held Sunday night that I was going to. Cameron decided at the last minute to go with me. I couldn’t count, but there must’ve been 500 people there. There were people from different churches and faiths, who spoke along with the mayor and the governor. Many of the kids who graduated in 2015 were at the vigil. Many of their parents were there with them. People from the community who were unrelated, were also there to show their support.
There were families I’ve known since Cameron was in kindergarten. Several of the kids at the party, were in the summit program. Summit is Mukilteo’s gifted program. The kids who are in it, come from different schools in the district. They form close relationships. The parents seem to be more active with school functions then many of the non-summit kids’ parents. Even though the summit kids took different paths in high school, they remained connected.
Some summit, some not, were at the party, hanging out before they went back to college for their sophomore year.
Based on the news stories, the shooter was jealous over other guys after breaking up with his “dream girl” Anna. He shot and killed her. He fired 20 rounds total, killing Jake and Jordan and critically injuring one more.
One choice. 3 dead. So many lives changed forever!
We worry about our kids drinking and driving or being in an accident with a drunk driver. Being killed at the hands of one of their classmates isn’t something most of us have ever thought about.
How can we tell them everything’s going to be okay? How can we trust that they’ll be safe wherever they go? So many questions! Very little of it makes sense to me!
Cameron and I were only going to stay an hour, but ended up being amongst the last to leave. Hugging, crying and holding kids and parents who were upset was more important than going home. The trauma every kid (technically they’re adults) at the party suffered, was more than most of us will ever experience. I talked to some of the church leaders about dating violence and the importance of teaching the signs of it before it escalates into a tragedy like this. I talked about survivor guilt and they looked like they hadn’t even thought about it. The family and friends of the shooter have suffered loss too. He and Anna dated over a year. They don’t need to feel isolated at this time either.
Most of us think our first love will be our one and only. When we really love someone, breaking up is never easy, whether it’s the first, third, tenth or whatever number it is. Since everyone is different, how do we help our friends and loved ones deal with a breakup, death or loss of any kind?
I feel like my past experiences have prepped me for a lot and am willing to talk to and share with the families affected by this tragic event, starting with Cameron and his friends who are still alive. So much I’d love to tell you that I learned last night, but being so fresh, will allow time for healing before I do.
On a lighter note, one of the kids last night, said he’ll always remember meeting me. I volunteered in the classrooms a lot. Shortly after he moved here, I had gone to the school to eat lunch with the third graders. He was eating a raisin bagel and a raisin fell out and onto the table. He said that I said “Look, it pooped!” He was grossed out, threw it away and didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day. He said he still won’t eat a raisin bagel. I don’t remember it, but he might always remember my 3 words!
Love yourself. Love your friends and families. Reach out when you need help and reach out when you see someone who appears to need help. Don’t expect someone else to do it. If we truly are one, let’s find ways to take responsibility, help each other and stop blaming.
Life is good, let’s make it better!
Love, gratitude and blessings
Filed under: Uncategorized
Sending prayers, love and light to all of the families, friends and responders involved in this morning’s local shooting. I got messages before 6am asking if I was okay and if Cameron was at the party. I thought I was okay and didn’t know anything about a party. I searched and found a video of our mayor and community officer talking about the shooting. I found another story on a tv website, saying “the teens” and “college age”. Cameron’s phone was turned off when I tried to call him. I assumed he was okay because I didn’t “feel” like something was wrong, but still cried hard for everyone involved. Living in Mukilteo since 1992, I thought I’d probably know some of the kids involved. I didn’t know for several hours that I knew many of the kids at the party, including 2 who died. Cameron didn’t know until this morning when he turned on his phone, that Jake had texted him, asking him to hang out. Had his phone been on, he probably would’ve gone to the party. Several kids were at our house today, talking about their friends, the whole incident and stories from the past. Knowing the victims and the shooter, their perspectives were so different than what most people will generally think about. So many emotions, most filled with tears. I wonder how things could have been different. I wonder how to help people see the love they have in themselves. I wonder how to help people when they feel unloved, for whatever reasons. Show those you love that you love them, in the ways they will receive it best. Love yourself. Feel the love you have for yourself when you feel all alone.
Please watch over us Jake, Anna and Jordan! You are loved and will be missed!
With tears on my face and snot on my shirt…
Love, gratitude and blessings