Susan WonderStone's Blog

January 16, 2007, 10:35 pm
Filed under: alternative treatments

Dr. Cedeno, my oncologistpicture-hospital-santa-monica-small.jpg

A Miracle in Progress
January 16, 2007, 10:10 pm
Filed under: Inspiration

I had almost given up. I knew there was a direct correlation between emotional and physical health. I also thought that if there was something wrong physically, I must have been thinking in a way that would create whatever problem I was experiencing.In October 2001, at the request of “The 1st Man of My Dreams”, I was served with a restraining order stating – among other things, that I was a violent drug abuser. I would not be able to see or contact my 5 year old son, Cameron, until after the hearing three weeks later. I was an emotional wreck! My son, the center of my world, was not allowed to be with me. He was told I didn’t have time to be with him. I was scheduled to arrive and compete in Atlanta at the NPC National Bodybuilding Championships the day before the hearing. I had been preparing for Nationals for 7 years.Now, for a little background. I had never been in trouble for doing anything violent and had never abused any legal or illegal drugs. Violent and drug abuser are not qualities friends, family members, acquaintances or total strangers have ever associated with me. I’ve watched enough people out of control and being stupid to learn from their actions. I have never even been drunk. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped drinking Diet Coke and eating Caesar salads. I refused drugs during my 14 hours of labor, including the three hours and twenty minutes of pushing. I followed through with my commitment to nurse for at least a year. Anything that was questionable, I avoided. My son was going to have the best start I could give him. People thought I was joking when I asked them to write declarations for me in an attempt to clear my name. Even though there was nobody else supporting the claim, I’ve had a long road of trying to prove my innocence. Gone are the days of “innocent until proven guilty”.In May, 2002, I violated one of the stipulations in the restraining order and had my son taken away from me for another two weeks. About a week after being served, I was at my dermatologist for a routine check. We found a spot neither of us remembered. Since I had two surgeries in 2000 for the removal of melanoma, we decided to remove the new spot. It too, was bad. I went back a week later for the wide excision to clear the margins and make sure we got it all.Work? I didn’t have the energy to work. All of my thoughts were on Cameron and how I was going to keep him. I didn’t care about much of anything else. Anger and resentment? Fury is a better word. What had I done to deserve this? I was glad I couldn’t be arrested for my thoughts. Were those thoughts creating the cancer? I was told in an anger management evaluation that because I had been abused for so long, that I needed treatment so that I wouldn’t “snap” or become the abuser.In Louise Hay’s book “You can heal your life” – cancer is related to anger and resentment. Believing that’s true, I had a lot of emotions to take control over. Something had to change. I got into a coaching program to begin focusing on the things I want instead of on the lawsuit and the cancer. I made great gains, even though the case was still active.Jump ahead – March 2004. My second husband was arrested for possession, distribution, and intent to distribute steroids. It didn’t matter if it was true or not, it was in the paper and on the news.

I received a letter from my attorney. It was now a bigger threat that Cameron would be taken away from me. Within a week, a spot on my bottom was 2″ in diameter and had no skin on it. I had 4 lymph nodes that felt like almonds. I knew what it was, but how could I change it? Didn’t I have the right to be angry? I was still in love, but divorce seemed to be the only option to keep my son.

Overwhelm?! God says He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I need to believe I’m as strong as He thinks I am.

Cancer was destroying my body while depression was destroying my spirit. Every day I would hear the commercials on the radio and television about depression. That was me, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. I would think and sometimes say “Get over it, snap out of it! You don’t need drugs! Change your mind!” although I didn’t see how it applied to me. I was the one afraid to answer the phone. I had quit paying everything that wasn’t absolutely essential for living. The attorney’s fee was over $11,000, credit cards were out of control, and I had quit paying my health insurance over a year earlier. Creditors would call 20 – 30 times a day. I didn’t have the money to go to the doctor, but more than the money, I knew what he was going to say and was afraid to hear it. I’ve never met anyone who had melanoma in their lymphatic system, only family members of people who had it and died. My reading and internet research gave me very little hope. Of the few people I told, none of them agreed with my decision to not go to the doctor. I didn’t think my family would agree with my decision either, so I didn’t tell them. They live in Texas, so they wouldn’t see me and I always got myself in a good mood before I would call them. My dad died in 1998 from kidney cancer, and my brother went through intensive treatment for lymphoma in 1999 and 2000. I didn’t want them to worry or complain about my decision. I believed my body could get healthy, but at its current state, I would really have to work at it. I spent every day crying on the couch for hours, cleaning my face up in time to go get Cameron from school. Although I’ve volunteered at the school every week since kindergarten , nobody there knew how sick I was either. I was falling apart in every way. I didn’t see solutions to any of my problems. Aside from not knowing what to change to get better, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I really just wanted to die. The last several years had been the loneliest time of my life. Maybe Cameron would be better off without me. There would be no more fighting between me and his dad . The creditors would go away, as well as the attorneys and the court stuff. The benefits of living were being greatly overshadowed by the desire to make it all stop. One afternoon, I was telling Cameron things he could do to get along with his step-mom better. We talked about how maybe she would be nicer if he told her he loved her. She might like it if he hugged her before he went to bed. He suggested he sleep at our house instead.

I told him I didn’t know how long I would be here because of the cancer. He said “So, you’re just gonna kill yourself?!” I said “No, Cameron, I would never kill myself”.

“Well if you stop fighting, that’s what you’re doing!!” he said as he ran upstairs and slammed the door.

Wow! I knew he was right, but didn’t know – he knew – I had a choice. I finally realized that not only is he the center of my world, but that I’m the center of his. How could I let myself die? With the help of my seven year old angel, I finally made the decision to live. People and information started showing up in my life with solutions to my health challenges.

I have studied, learned and experimented extensively with natural and spiritual healing, herbs and nutrition and how it all works together. I have had 41 lesions come off my skin over the last year(As of January 2006) (As of Sept 2008, there have been over 120, I’ve quit counting!). I fast for at least 5 days every 3 months in an effort to cleanse the inside of my body. There are many things I do every day to maintain and continue improving my health. I feel better than I have in years.

After over a year of daily work, my eyesight started getting blurry. I knew that melanoma could attack the retina of the eye. I thought I was doing all the right things to get my health back, so how could my vision be getting worse? (Worry – misuse of the imagination.) My mom gave me the money to go to the eye doctor. It turns out that my eyes had improved, and the reason everything was blurry was because my contacts were too strong. Medical documentation that a shift has occurred!

I now see how the lawsuit and the cancer – both appearing to be the most negative things of my life, have taught me more than anything I’ve ever experienced. What seemed to be the worst parts of my life created the strongest relationships, promoted the most growth and ended up being better than anything I could have ever planned. I have found real love for things I didn’t believe were lovable. I am truly grateful!

I hope the beginning of my story inspires you or someone you know.

Love, gratitude and blessings,

Susan Stone 425-347-1424