Susan WonderStone's Blog

Vicious cycle?
December 11, 2009, 11:35 pm
Filed under: alternative treatments, bodybuilding, cancer, health

In my very first post, I talked about not opening the mail because I didn’t have the money to pay the bills, so it didn’t make sense to open them.  My health has been steadily improving.   Two months ago, we  had a big storm.  Shingles blew off, the downspout flew off the roof and onto the ground.  There was a significant flood in my downstairs bedroom.  The room is supposed to be finished tomorrow.  I’m very thankful the damage to the room is being covered by insurance.

The roof.  It’s not covered.  All of the estimates have been $12,000, with the exception of the one by the guys who painted my house but haven’t ever done a roof.   Aside from the fact that I don’t have $10,000 in my back pocket either, I don’t think saving $2,000 to have someone do a job they have no experience doing makes a lot of sense.  The chapter 13 bankruptcy court doesn’t allow me to have a loan until it’s completed in 24 more months.  The roof won’t last 24 months.  Competing in the Northwest  Bodybuilding  competition kept me busy.  The last several weeks before the show were really intense from continuing the cancer treatments, increasing cardio, changing my workouts, meticulous tracking of my diet, forcing myself to drink water as well as being a single mom and working full-time.  It kept me from worrying about the damage.

After the show…

About a week after the show, the lump in my head came back.  If you’ve read my past blogs, you remember I’ve been dealing with recurrent melanoma for the last 9 years.  Along with the lump came daily headaches – feels like I used a ponytail holder as a headband, blurry vision in my left eye and an overall yucky feeling.  I still get up at 4:30 and do 2 hours of treatments before I get ready for work.  I still go to the gym 5 days/week.  I still go with my dog and my kid on walks almost daily.  I worked overtime on my day off this week.  I’m still eating fairly clean.  Too clean for most!

I know the stress of the roof is contributing if not completely causing me to get sick again.  Some days the pressure is so great it makes me think “is living really worth it?”  It only lasts a minute, then I find something to be grateful for to pull myself out of it.  I got a “door tag” yesterday for not paying  my water bill.  I have the money to pay my normal expenses, but the roof thing has spiraled me back to not opening my mail again.  Now that I’ve recognized it, I pulled out the unopened envelopes and will take care of them tomorrow.   I know not to worry about things, but haven’t figured out how to do it.

Gotta go to bed.  Gonna have fun, exciting dreams!

Love, gratitude and blessings!!