Susan WonderStone's Blog


What am I thankful for today?
November 24, 2011, 11:40 pm
Filed under: Gratitude

   So, so many things to be thankful for! The usual family, friends, dogs, a job I love, a car that gets me where I want to go, a house that I feel safe in, the lessons cancer has taught me…

Today, I’m so thankful to you, and you, and you. Yes, I loved you with all my heart…for a long time. You taught me so much about myself. Yes, there were good times, but what I’m choosing to see today are all the ways you treated me that made me sad. The many times I cried. I don’t know why I believed I deserved to be treated unfairly. It was familiar. Not comfortable, but familiar. For so long, it was all I knew. I didn’t know there were men who were different from you. Had you not kicked me out when I started to recognize I deserved better, or moved out of state when the cancer got bad, or threatened me, because you could, I wouldn’t have known. I held onto the hurt for so long. Not something I would recommend, because holding it in probably contributed to the cancer. You taught me so much about how I don’t want to be treated. I built a wall to keep men away from me. It worked for a long time, but then…somehow, my wall got a crack in it.

Something changed. Maybe because I never wanted to be in another relationship. Maybe because I quit looking. I didn’t think it was possible to spend time with a man and actually enjoy it. Without going into details you don’t need, I have amazing men in my life. I’m developing friendships I never thought were possible. They’re showing me that I’m so much more valuable than you ever wanted me to know. They hold me accountable. They make me smile. They make me laugh. Maybe someday it will be more, but regardless, I love them!

Thank you! I love my life!

Love, gratitude and blessings

Susan



Inspiration from Trans Siberian Orchestra
November 21, 2011, 5:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have so much I want to get done today. I’ve done several loads of laundry…I only washed/dried them…they’re in a big pile on the guest room bed, with the previous several loads. I won’t bore you with my cleaning details, but thought the best way to get more done was to put in some of my favorite music. I found some of my Trans Siberian Orchestra cd’s. I love their music! I’m so excited about going to the concert this Saturday! Funny how certain things can bring back memories we’ve forgotten.

 

My friend Dan took me to see TSO several years ago. The cancer was in my liver, lymphatic system, all over my skin and a new lump in my head had recently appeared. The perfect Christmas present for me! I loved the concert! So many things went through my head. Good and bad. My dad died from kidney cancer in 1998, 5 months after his diagnosis. I was closer to my family than most people I know, but didn’t want them to see me as sick as I was. I wanted people to remember me healthy, not sick and dying. I wasn’t working, so I didn’t have the money to go to Dallas for Christmas anyway. Even now, when I hear their song “She’s coming home” I relate it to dying, not going home to see family.

 

As I listen to the cd now, I’m not thinking about the music, the lazers, the explosions, the dancing… I’m thinking about how bad I wanted to be able to take Cameron to a TSO concert. There wouldn’t be another one for a year. The doctors said I wouldn’t make it a year. The statistics showed nobody else had made it a year. I cried throughout the concert, thinking about all the things I would never do with Cameron.

BUL*SH*T! I changed what I was thinking. I pretended the energy and power from the music was healing my body. I believed I was the only one who could determine my expiration date! The concert made me feel good. I thought about good times I had with my family and my dad when he was still alive. I was going to keep doing the things I was doing to attempt to get well. My new goal was to still be alive and take Cameron to the concert the following year. I didn’t have to know how it would happen, I just had to believe it would and do everything in my power to make it happen.

 

Yes, the following November, I was still alive. The cancer was still alive too. Even though it was several years past the expiration date I was given, I still had the thoughts in my head that I couldn’t make plans more than 3 months out. I felt like taking Cameron to the concert would be something he would remember for the rest of his life. I couldn’t think of anything else that would be as memorable as being silly “headbanging” with mom at TSO.

 

Apparently I just needed to write and cry. All better now 🙂 Once again, excited about the concert this Saturday! I can’t wait. I’m alive and well, cancer or not…doesn’t matter. I love my life! I do things that make me happy and have fun every day!

 

 

I got a message this morning that a friend of a friend has terminal cancer. Welcome to my world. Hey, my world isn’t so bad! As I’ve said before, terminal only means your doctor’s knowledge and ability to help you has been terminated. It’s rare that any problem only has one solution. And there’s a solution to every problem. As bad as it’s been, the cancer has taught me some of the most powerful lessons! Find the blessings in everything!

Love, Gratitude and Blessings

Susan